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M llfi.- 



HARVARD COLLEGE 
LIBRARY 




THE GIFT OF 
THOMAS WILLIAM LAMONT 



OF NEW YORK 







W 




c^ 



<fi. 



y 



BURGESS UNABRIDGED 




WOWZE 



BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



A New Dictionary 
of Words you have always Needed 



By Gelett Burgess 

Author of ''Goops/^ ''Are You a Bromide? 

''The Maxims of Methuselah;' "The 

Maxims of Noah;* 8^c. 



With Cover Designs and Illustrations by 

HERB ROTH 




NEW YORK 

FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 




A L ^-'O .^.lO 



/ 







Copyright, 1914, by 
Gelett BuKoegg 




ILLUSTRATIONS 
WOWZE 

A conscientious tangoist inflated with her vanity 

Attempting to excel a silly partner in inanity . Frontispiece 

PAGfi 

BRIPKIN 

A person whose apparel by its conscious imitation lies 
Respecting the society in which his limitation lies ... 9 

DIABOB 

A complicated artifact devised in proof of amity 

Producing to eestheticism visual calamity 15 

HUZZLECOO 

A conversation intimate^ intensific but amical 

Surcharged with personalities outrageously dynamical . 37 

JIRRIWIG 

An unaffected traveler engrossed in Touristology, 

A middle-w6stern species of the Baedeker biology ... 47 

KIPE 

Evaluating notice with impertinent serenity. 

The envious propensity of feminine amenity , . . .53 

QUOOB 

An undress-suited being in an access of huiliility 

Apologizing vainly for apparent incivility .... 77 

• • 

Vll 



ILLUSTRATIONS 



SPLOOCH 

The acme of ineptitude whose quality unfortunate 

Assails our sensibilities with agony importunate . . .89 

TASHIVATE 

Indulgent inattention to a chatter of banality 

Emotionally answered with a feeling of tonality ... 93 

WOG 

A thinglet unpremeditated marring one's consistency 

Or dignity or pulchritude with devillish persistency . .109 



viu 



INTRODUCTION 

Yes, I have written a dictionary. Worcester and Webster 
are all right in their way, and Stormuth will do very well for 
Englishmen — but they're not up to date. Mrs. Century's 
book is a bit better and even old Dr. Standard's Compendium 
of Useful Information includes my own words, ** bromide " 
and ** sulphite." It's good enough for last year, but " Bur- 
gess Unabridged " will give the diction of the year 1915. 

For, the fact is, English is a growing language, and we have 
to let out the tucks so often, that no last season's model will 
ever fit it. English isn't like French, which is corseted and 
gloved and clad and shod and hatted strictly according to the 
rules of the Immortals. We have no Academy, thank Heaven, 
to tell what is real English and what isn't. Our Grand Jury 
is that ubiquitous person. Usage, and we keep him pretty 
busy at his job. He's a Progressive and what he likes, he'll 
have, in spite of lexicographers, college professors and 
authors of " His Complete Works." That's the reason why 
English has ousted Volapiik and Esperanto as a world 
language. It snuggles right down where you live and makes 
itself at home. 

How does English shape itself so comfortably to the body 
of our thought .'^ With a new wrinkle here and a little more 
breadth there, with fancy trimmings, new styles, fresh mate- 
rials and a genius for adapting itself to all sorts of wear. 
Everybody is working at it, tailoring it, fitting it, decorating 
it. There is no person so humble but that he can suggest an 
improvement that may easily become the reigning mode. 

Slang, I once defined as " The illegitimate sister of Poetry " 
— but slang is sometimes better than that ; it often succeeds in 
marrying the Bang's English, and at that ceremony there are 
dozens of guests. There's the poker player, who con- 

ix 



BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



tributes for his wedding present, " The limit " and " Make 
good " and " Four flush." Politics hands over " Boodle," 
" Mugwump " and " Gerrymander." The thief presents his 
"Jimmy," "Doss," "Kip," "Heeler," "Split," "Lag," 
" Swag " and " Dope." The horse race gives us " Neck and 
neck " ; baseball, " Putting one over." Even the baby offers 
" Goo-goo." Illustrations, however, are boring. 

But slang, strictly, consists in the adaptation of phrases; 
it does not often — not often enough at any rate — coin new 
words. Thieves' patter or jargon or cant provides us almost 
with a language of itself, and words from the Underworld are 
continually being added to the language. Like the turkey 
trot, " We first endure, then pity, then embrace." So from all 
sources the language recruits new phrases, new expressions, 
even new rules of grammar. Horrible as they are to the 
conservative, common usage accepts them and they become 
classic. Professor Lounsbury of Yale is kept busy justify- 
ing them. He, alone of all grammarians, sees that the split 
infinitive must come, that verbs must be constructed of nouns. 
He recognizes the new function of the potential mood, in " I 
should worry" and "Wouldn't that jar you.''" 

Yes, it's easy enough to coin a phrase, to adapt an old word 
to a new use, like " Chestnut " and " Lemon " and " Peach." 
It's easy to abbreviate words, like " Gent " and " Pants " and 
" Exam " and " Phone " and " Stylo." It's easier still to fill 
the new dictionary with new derivatives from Latin or Greek 
or crowd in French. The scientific word requires a little in- 
vention. " Radioactive " and " Aileron " and " Hypofenyl- 
tribrompropionic " need only a scholastic delving in ancient 
tongues. But to invent a new word right out of the air or the 
cigarette smoke is another thing. And that's what I deter- 
mined to do. 

Yes, I know it has been tried, but it's never been seriously 
and deliberately gone about. It has been haphazard work, 
the result of a mere accident, or vaudeville high spirits. But 
the way such neologisms have become quickly current shows 
that here's a field for high endeavor, and a little success with 



INTRODUCTION 



" Blnrb " and " Goop " encourage me to proceed in the good 
work. We need so manynew words, and we need 'em quick. 
The question is: How to get *em? 

Of course, we might ransack the back numbers of the 
language and dig up archaic words. Many such have been 
dropped from the original Anglo-Saxon. There is " D indie/* 
to shake, and " Foin " to thrust, and " Gree " and " Lusk " 
and " Sweven." But the need for most of them has long 
gone by. We do not " Feutre " our spears, because we have 
no spears to feutre. We carry no " Glaive,** we wear no 
" Coif." 

So with the bright gems of Elizabethan diction. A " Bon- 
nibel '* is now a nectarine. To " Brabble " is now to " Chew 
the rag." What is a " Scroyle " .? — a "Cad," a "Bad 
Actor " ? A " Gargrism " has become ** A Scream." So the 
old names become mere poetic decorations. Why, the word 
" Fro " we dare use only in a single collocation ! And as for 
" Welkin," " Lush," and " Bosky "— who dares to lead their 
metric feet into the prim paths of prose.'* Let bygones be 
bygones. Look elsewhere. 

Samoa has an ideal language, and there it was I got my 
inspiration. Can't we make English as subtle as Samoan.'* I 
wondered. There they have a single word, meaning, 
" A-party-is-approaching-which-contains-neither-a-clever - man - 
nor-a-pretty- woman." Another beautiful word describes " A- 
man-who-climbs-out-on-the-limbs-of-his-own-breadfruit-tree-to- 
steal-the-breadfruit-of-his-neighbor." "Suiia" means "Change- 
the-subject-you-are-on-dangerous-ground." Another happy 
word expresses a familiar situation — " To-look-on-owl-eyed- 
while-others-are-getting-gifts." Have we anything in Eng- 
lish as charmingly tactful as this.'* No, our tongue is almost 
as crude as pidj in-English itself, where piano is " Box-you- 
fight-him-cry." 

But the time has come for a more scientific attempt to en- 
large the language. The needs of the hour are multifarious 
and all unfilled. There are a thousand sensations that we can 
describe only by laborious phrases or metaphors, a thousand 

xi 



BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



characters and circumstances^ familiar to all^ which shriek 
for description. 

It has, of course, been tried before. Think what a success 
the scheme was when it was so long ago attempted. The 
first Nonsense Book containing really new words was pub- 
lished in 1846 by Edward Lear, but he failed to appreciate 
his opportunity. Of all his names, the " Jumblies " alone 
survive. Lewis Carroll later went about it more deliberately. 
His immortal poem, " Jabberwocky," has become a classic ; 
but even in that masterpiece, how many words are adapted 
to modern use } " Slithy '* perhaps and " Chortle " — though 
no one has ever been able to pronounce it properly to this 
day. Oh yes, " Galumph," I forgot that. Not even " The 
Hunting of the Snark " has made the title role popular 
amongst bromides. Why.^ His fatal rule was, " Take care 
of the sounds and the sense will take care of itself." 

A dozen years ago a little girl tried it with fair success. 
In her " Animal Land, where there are no People," however, 
I can find no word I have ever heard used outside its covers, 
no word like " Hoodlum," or " Flunk " or " Primp," " Quiz," 
"Cabal " or " Fad " or " Fake." 

The thing must be done, and so I did it. Slang is sporadic ; 
its invention is crude and loose. It is a hit-or-miss method, 
without direction or philosophy. Our task is serious; we 
must make one word blossom where a dozen grew before. 
A myriad necessities urge us. I found myself often con- 
fronted with an idea which baffled me and forced me to talk 
gibberish. How, for instance, can one describe the appear- 
ance of an elderly female in plush dancing a too conscien- 
tious tango .^ How do you, gentle reader, portray your emo- 
tion when, on a stormy night, as you stand on the comer the 
trolley-car whizzes by and fails to stop for you.^ Where is 
the word that paints the mild, faint enjoyment of a family 
dinner with your wife's relations.^ 

You see how inarticulate you are, now, don't you, when a 
social emergency arises } — when you want to give swift 
tongue to your emotions } What can you say when you're 

xu 



INTRODUCTION 



jilted? — how mention the feeling of a broken finger-nail on 
satin — your esthetic delight in green-trading-stamp furni- 
ture? How do you feel with a person whose name you 
cannot quite remember? Why, we need at least a gross of 
assorted nouns this very day! What is the name of a busi- 
ness enterprise that was born dead? What do you call the 
woman who telephones to you during business hours? What 
is a woman who wears dirty white gloves? What is a man 
who gives you advice ** for your own good *' ? Well, behold 
a guide to help you ; — read '* Burgess Unabridged." It is 
the dictionary of the Futurist language! 

Yes, my modest ** Unabridged " will ** fill a long felt want." 
It will solidify the chinks of conversation, express the inex- 
pressible, make our English language ornamental, elegant, 
distinguished, accurate. Other dictionaries have recorded the 
words of yesterday, my lexicon will give the words of to- 
morrow. What matter if none of them is " derived from two 
Greek words " ? My words will be imaginotions, penandin- 
kumpoops, whimpusles, mere boojums rather than classic 
snarks, for I shall not construct " Portmanteau " words, like 
Lewis Carroll. I shall create them from instinctive, inarticu- 
late emotions, hot from the depths of necessity. No " Ono- 
matopoeia^" either, for I do not hold with those who say that 
the origin of language is in the mere mimicry of natural 
sounds. No, like the intense poetic pre-Raphaelite female, 
who says and feels that her soul is violet, when I see a hand- 
embroidered necktie, I dive deep in my inner consciousness 
and bring up, writhing in my hand, the glad word, " Gor- 
gule," or " Golobrifaction " or " Diabob." 

For, as my friend, the Reverend Edward P. Foster, A.M., 
of Marietta, Ohio, has pointed out, in his great work on Ro, 
the a priori method is the only rational principle upon which 
to coin new words. Volapiik, Esperanto, Idiom Neutral, 
Interlingua and Ido all have fallen by the wayside of this 
" philosophical " route. It is as futile to try to make the 
sound suggest the sense. For, investigation will show that 

so many senses are suggested that the word lacks definition. 

... 

Xlll 



BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Not only does " stave " seem to imply a barrel, but music. 
And, if you take the sound alone, we have such different mean- 
ings as Wright, right, write and rite, not to speak of exactly 
opposite interpretations in such word as ** cleave." 

What Ro, therefore, attempts so ambitiously, I do in a 
more humble spirit, contenting myself with the manufacture 
of words to explain some of the more subtle relationships and 
exigencies of civilized life. I confess the work is, to a great 
extent, subjective and personal. I have but ministered to my 
own direst needs. 

So contriving, choosing my words from some vague sense 
of color, mood, an instinctive feeling of appropriateness, I 
trust that I have not made my method monotonous. I must 
confess, however, that in my experimentation, certain sounds 
appealed more strongly than others to my comic spirit. The 
frequent use of the ** oo " will perhaps require ail apology, 
and the almost equally merry " aw." The other " long ** 
vowels, such as ** ee *' and " ay '* and " o " seemed inadequate 
to my use. Of consonants, my " G " is, no doubt, most fre- 
quent. " G " supplies spuzz to a word that can hardly be 
obtained elsewhere in the alphabet. " K ** also has a bite, 
but it is frequently too suggestive for our delicate suscepti- 
bilities. " L " — what could one do in such a work, without 
the gentle liquid that euphonizes the most savage of conson- 
ants ! Also I confess having fallen in love with the anapcst. 

And yet, many of these words will not, at first sound, seem 
appropriate. Let me remind you of Mr. Oliver Herford's 
not too original discovery (most children make it earlier), 
than any word, when often repeated, becomes strange and 
barbaric, even as his favorite " looking-glass " after being 
pronounced several times, grows marvellously beautiful and 
romantic. 

So, as a corollary to this principle, you will, I hope, find 
that even my fierce and uncouth syllables may, when iterated, 
grow less unusual, strangely familiar, even; and, little by 
little, as their sharp corners and edges are worn smootSi by 

xiv 



INTRODUCTION 



Use, they will fit into your conversation and nestle into 
place, making your talk firmer, more expressive and wonder- 
fully adequate to your daily needs. 

When vorianders saek to huzzlecoo. 

When jurpid splooch or vilpous drillig bores. 

When cowcats kipe, or moohles wog, or you 
Machizzled are by yowfs or xenogores. 

Remember Burgess Unabridged, and think. 
How quisty is his culpid yod and yab! 

No fidgeltick, with goigsome iobink. 
No varmic orobaldity — his gab I 

No more tintiddling stubs, like fidgelticks, 
Rizgidgeting your speech, shall lallify; 

But your jujasm, like vorgid gollohix. 
Shall all your woxy meem golobrify! 

Gelett Buroess. 
New York, June 1st, 1914. 



XV 



AGO 



BURGESS ABRIDGED 



EE6 



BURGESS ABRIDGED: 



1. Agowilt. 

« 

2. Alibosh. 

3. Bimp. 

4. Bleesh. 

5. Blurb. 

6. Bripkm. 

7. Cowcat. 

8. Critch. 

9. Gulp. 

10. Diabob. 

11. Digmix. 

12. Drillig. 
IS. Edicle. 
14. Eegot. 



100 CHOICE SELECTIONS 

Sickening terror, unnecessary fear, sud- 
den shock. 

A glaringly obvious falsehood or exag- 
geration. 

A disappointment, a futile rage, a jilt. 

An unpleasant picture; vulgar or ob- 
scene. 

Praise from one's self, inspired lauda- 
tion. 

One who half does things; second-hand, 
imitation. 

An unimportant guest, an insignificant 
personality. 

To array one's self in uncomfortable 
splendor. 

A fond delusion, an imaginary attribute. 

An object of amateur art, adorned with- 
out taste. 

An unpleasant, uncomfortable or dirty 
occupation. 

A tiresome lingerer, one who talks too 
long. 

One who is educated beyond his intellect, 
a pedant. 

A selfishly interested friend, a lover of 
success. 

xvii 



ELP 



BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



HYa 



15. Elp. 

16. Fidgeltick. 

17. Flooijab. 

18. Frixne. 

19. Fud. 

20. Prowk. 

21. Geefoojet. 

22. Oixlet. 

23. Oloogo. 

24. Ooig. 

25. Oollohix. 

26. Oolobrify. 

27. Oorgule. 

28. Oorm. 

29. Oowyop. 

30. Oubble. 

31. Huzzlecoo. 

32. Hygog. 



A tricky, sly or elusive person, a prom- 
iser. 

Food that it is a bore to eat; a taciturn 
person. 

An apparent compliment with a concealed 
sting. 

An educated heart, one who does the 
right thing. 

A state of disorder or deshabille, a mess. 

A spicy topic, a half -wrong act, a sly 
suggestion. 

An unnecessary thing, an article seldom 
used. 

One who has more heart than brains, an 
entertainer. 

Foolishly faithful without reward; loyal^ 
fond. 

One whom one distrusts intuitively, sus- 
picious. 

An untimely noise, a disturbance, espe- 
cially at night. 

To adorn with unmeaning and extrav- 
agant ornament. 

A splendiferous, over-ornate object or 

gift. 

A human hog; to take more than one's 
share. 

A perplexity wherein familiar things 
seem strange. 

Society talk, the hum of foolish conver- 
sation. 

An intimate talk, a confidential colloquy. 

An unsatisfied desire, something out of 
one's reach. 

xviii 



HYP 



: BURGESS ABRIDGED 



MOO 



SS. Hyprijimp. 

84. Igmoil. 

85. Impkin. 

86. lobink. 

87. Jip. 

88. Jirriwig. 

89. Jujasm. 

40. Julliz. 

41. Jiirp. 

42. Eidloid. 
48. Eipe. 



44. Eripsle. 

45. Lallify. 

46. Leolump. 

47. Looblum. 

48. Machizzle. 

49. Meem. 

50. Mooble. 

51. Moosoo. 



A man who does woman's work ; one alone 
amid women. 

A sordid quarrel over money matters. 

A superhuman pet^ a baby in beast form. 

An unplaceable resemblance^ an inacces- 
sible memory. 

A faux pas, a dangerous subject of con- 
versation. 

A traveller who does not see the country. 

An expansion of sudden joy after sus- 
pense. 

A mental affinity^ one with similar tastes 
or memory. 

An impudent servant or underlings a 
saucy clerk. 

A precocious or self-assertive child. En- 
fant terrible. 

To inspect appraisingly, as women do 
one another. 

An annoying physical sensation or de- 
fect. 

To prolong a story tiresomely, or repeat 
a joke. 

An interrupter of conversations, an ego- 
istic bore. 

Palatable but indigestible food; flattery. 

To attempt unsuccessfully to please, to 
try to like. 

An artificial half-light that women love; 
gloom. 

A mildly amusing affair, a semi-interest- 
ing person. 

Sulky, out of sorts or out of order; de- 
layed. 

xix 



NIN 



BURGESS UNABRIDGED. 



SKY 



52. Nink. 

53. Nodge. 

54. Nulkin. 

55. Oofle. 

56. Orobaldity. 

57. Ovotch. 

58. Paloodle. 

59. Pawdle. 

60. Persotude. 

61. Pooje. 

62. Quink. 

63. Quisty. 

64. Quoob. 

65. Bawp. 

66. Bizgidget. 

67. Bowtch. 

68. Skinje. 



An " antique " resurrected for decorative 
effect. 

The only one of its kind^ or having no 
mate. 

The secret explanation^ the inside his- 
tory. 

A person whose name one cannot remem- 
ber; to forget. 

Modern mysticism^ a short cut to success. 

A thing in style, the current fad. 

To give unnecessary advice ; one who thus 
bores. 

One vicariously famous, or with unde- 
served prominence. 

Social warmth or magnetism, amount of 
popular favor. 

To embarrass ; a regrettable discovery. 

An expression or mood of anxious ex- 
pectancy. 

Useful and reliable without being orna- 
mental. 

A person or thing obviously out of place, 
a misfit. 

A reliably unreliable person, one always 
late. 

An inability to make up one's mind, an 
indecision. 

To eat in extraordinary fashion, to gor- 
mandize. 



To feel shudderingly, to shrink from in- 
stinctively. 

69. Skjrscrimble. To go off at a tangent^ mentally; to es- 
cape logic. 



SLU 



• BURGESS ABRIDGED 



VOR 



70. Slub. 

71. Snosh. 

72. Spigg. 

73. Spilliz. 

74. Splooch. 

75. Spuzz. 

76. Squinch. 

77. Tashivation. 

78. Thusk. 

79. Tintiddle. 

80. XJdney. 

81. XJglet. 

82. Unk. 

83. Varm. 

84. Vilp. 

85. Voip. 

86. Verge. 

87. Voriander. 



A mild indisposition which does not in- 
capacitate. 

Vain talk; a project that is born dead. 

A decoration of overt vanity; to attract 
notice^ paint. 

Accidental good luck^ uncharacteristically 
skilful. 

One who doesn't know his own business; 
a failure. 

Mental force, aggressive intellectuality, 
stamina. 

To watch and wait anxiously, hoping for 
a lucky turn. 

The art of answering without listening to 
questions. 

Something that has quickly passed from 
one's life. 

An imaginary conversation; wit coming 
too late. 

A beloved bore; one who loves but does 
not understand. 

An unpleasant duty too long postponed. 

An unwelcome, inappropriate or dupli- 
cate present. 

The quintessence of sex; sex hatred or 
antipathy. 

An unsportsmanlike player, a bad loser, a 
braggart. 

Food that gives no pleasure to the palate. 

Voluntary suffering, unnecessary effort 
or exercise. 

A woman who pursues men or demands 
attentions. 



XXI 



WHI 



BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



ZOB 



88. Whinkle. 
59. Wijjicle. 

90. Wog. 

91. Wowze. 

92. Wox. 

93. Wumgush. 

94. Xenogore. 

95. Yab. 

96. Yanmoy. 

97. Yod. 

98. Yowf. 

99. Zeech. 
100. Zobzib. 



Hypocritical graciousness ; to glow with 
vanity. 

A perverse household article, always out 
of order. 

Food on the face; unconscious adornment 
of the person. 

A female fool, an unconsciously ridicu- 
lous woman. 

A state of placid, satisfied contentment. 

Women's insincere flattery of each other. 

An interloper who keeps one from inter- 
esting things. 

A monomaniac or fanatic, enthusiasm over 
one thing. 

A bulky, unmanageable object to be car- 
ried. 

A ban or restriction on pleasant things. 

One whose importance exceeds his merit; 
a rich fool. 

A monologuist; one who is lively, but ex- 
hausting. 

An amiable blunderer, one displaying 
misguided zeal. 



xxii 




BURGESS UNABRIDGED 




A NEW DICTIONARY 



A NEW DICTIONARY AGO 



Ag^O-wilt, n. 1. Sickening terror, sudden, un- 
necessary fear. 2.^ The passage of the heart 
past the epiglottis, going up. 3. Emotional 
insanity. 

Ag^O-wilt, V. To almost-faint. 



« 



What's that smell } Is it smoke ? — Is it ? " You throw 
open the door and have an ago wilt; the staircase is in flames. 
But this is the fierce and wild variety. Agowilts tamed for 
domestic use, are far more common. The minute after you 
throw the burnt match into the waste-paper basket, the 
agowilt comes. 

It may be but a single extra step which isn't there and the 
agowilt playfully paralyzes your heart. So a sudden jerk of 
the elevator, the startling stopping of the train, the automo- 
bile skidding, the roller-coaster looping the loop — bring ago- 
wilts. 

Vicariously you suffer as well, when the trapeze perform- 
ers swing in dizzying circles or do the " death dive." 

" Good heavens ! I left my bag in the train ! " — an agowilt 
quite as painful. (See NulJcin,) 

Why does your friend, reckless Robert, pause on the edge 
of the cliff? Merely to delight you with an agowilt. 

When I taught Fanny, the flirt, to swim, and she found 
herself in water over her head, why did she scream and throw 
her arms about my neck } Was it truly an agowilt } (See VarmJ) 

'Twas not when Johnnie got the gun 

And pointed it at Jean; 
Nor when he played, in childish fun 

With father's razor keen — 

She did not agowilt until 

Her little brother said: 
*' I just saw sister hissing Bill! ** 

She agowilted dead. 

3 



ALI BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Al^i-boshf n. A glaringly obvious falsehood; 
something not meant to be actually believed; 
a picturesque overstatement. 

A circus poster is an alibosh; so is a seed catalogue^ a 
woman's age and an actress's salary. (See Blurb,) 

There are verbal aliboshes too numerous to mention: " I 
have had such a charming time ! " and " No, I don't think 
you're a bit too fat, you are just nice and plump." (See Gm6- 
ble and JVumgush,) 

The saleswoman makes her living on the alibosh : " Yes, I 
think that hat is very becoming." She doesn't believe it, you 
don't believe it — it's only a part of the game — like the lies 
of horse-trading, the inspired notices of theatrical failures or 
a prospectus of a gold mine. 

The dentist, when he filled my tooth. 

Filled me with alibosh; 
He said it wouldn't hurt, forsooth! 

I knew he lied, b'gosh! 

But when he had one filled himself 

They took an ounce or two 
Of chloroform from off the shelf. 

No alibosh would do I 



4 




A NEW DICTIONARY BIM 



Bimpi n. A disappointment^ a futile rage. 
Bimp, V. To cut^ neglect^ or forsake. 

Bimped, p.p. Jilted^ left. 

As Mrs. Ezra P. McCormick stood in the middle of Myrtle 
Avenue at the corner of Grandview Street the trolley car came 
hurtling past^ ten minutes behind time. Wildly she waved 
her parasol; but the car would not, did not stop! Mrs. Mc- 
Cormick got bimped. Her bimp was the more horrible, be- 
cause the conductor turned and grinned at her, and three men 
on the rear platform laughed, for Mrs. McCormick was very 
fat. (See Jurp.) 

Did you get that raise in your salary on New Year's day, 
or did you get bimped.'' Werte you forgotten on Christmas.'' 
Did you draw to a flush and fail to flU.^ You got bimped. 
Did you find you had no cash in your pocket when it came time 
to pay the waiter.'' Did that firm cancel its order.'' Bimps. 

What did Mrs. Harris's servant girl do on the very after- 
noon of the dinner party.'' She bimped Mrs. Harris! She 
packed her imitation-leather suitcase, grabbed her green um- 
brella and walked away. 

The girl who stood " Waiting at the church " got the biggest 
bimp of all. (See Agowilt.) 

Bimp not, that ye be not bimped ! (See Machizzle.) 

I got a bimp, the other night. 

It bimped me good and hard; 
I drew to fill a flush, and got 

A different colored card. 

But still, I bluffed it out and won; 

A well-filled pot I crimped — 
And three good hands of treys and pairs. 

And one full house, got bimped I 



BLE BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



/ 



Bleesh, n. l. An unpleasant picture; vulgar 
or obscene art. 2. An offensive comic-supple- 
ment form of humor. 

Bleesh| a. Revolting^ disgusting^ coarse. 

Comic valentines are very bleesh ; the newspaper ** comic 
strip " with the impossible adventure ending in catastrophic 
brutality ; stars^ exclamation points and " Wows ! " Espe- 
cially a bull-dog, biting the seat of a man's trousers and re- 
volving like a pinwheel — this is a bleesh. (See Frowk.) 

Crayon enlargements of photographs of your imcle in his 
Odd Fellows' imiform are bleesh — Kodak snap-shots and 
flashlights of banquet groups. 

Your practical-joking friend sends you bleesh foreign post- 
cards from abroad; and your chauffeur revels in bleesh pic- 
tures of crime, with an X showing ** where the body was 
found." 

To the Philistine of the Middle West, the nude in art is 
bleesh. To the eye-glassed school-ma'am of Brooklyn, the 
paintings of Cubists and Futurists are bleesher still. (See 
Ovotch.) 

I gazed upon a bleesh, and saw 

'Twas stupid, crude and coarse; 
Its wit was dull, its art was raw. 

It had nor wit nor force. 

^ And then my niece, a virgin pure. 

But used to clever folk. 
Laughed at that bleesh till I was sure 
rd somehow missed the joke. 



6 



A NEW DICTIONARY BLU 



Blurb, n, 1. A- flamboyant advertisement; an 
Inspired testimonial. 2. Fulsome praisre; a 
sound like a publisher. 

Blurbi V, 1. To flatter from interested mo- 
tives; to compliment oneself. 

On the " jacket " of the ** latest " fiction, we find the blurb; 
abounding in agile adjectives and adverbs, attesting that this 
book ie the "sensation of the year;" the blurb tells of 
" thrills " and " heart-throbs," of " vital importance " and 
" soul satisfying revelation." The blurb speaks of the novel's 
** grip " and " excitement." (See Alibosh,) 

The circus advertiser started the blurb, but the book pub- 
lisher discovered a more poignant charm than alliterative 
polysyllables. ** It holds you from the first page — " 

Now, you take this " Burgess Unabridged " — it's got a 
j ump and a go to it — it's got a hang and a dash and a swing 
to it that pulls you right out of the chair, dazzles your eyes, 
and sets your hair to curling. It's an epoch-making, heart- 
tickling, gorglorious tome of joy! 

So, were not my publishers old-fashioned, would this my 
book be blurbed. 



If " Burgess Unabridged," I say, 

'* Fulfils a long-felt want," 
Don't mind my praise, nor yet the way 

In which I voice my vaunt. 

Don't let my adjectives astute 

Your peace of mind disturb; 
It's " bold," it's " clever " and it's " cute. 

And so is this my blurb! 



BRI BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Brip'kixii n. 1. One who half does things; not 
a thoroughbred. 2. A suburbanite^ com- 
muter. 

Blip 'kin, a. Off color; second-rate; shabby- 
genteel^ a little out of style. 

The bripkin invites a girl to the theatre^ but he takes her in 
a street-car — on a rainy night, too ! The bripkin tips the 
waiter less than ten per cent, of his bill. He carries a cane, 
but does not wear gloves. He frequents the manicure, and 
wears near-silk shirts, with frayed cuffs. His hat is " the 
latest " but his coat sleeves are shiny. 

The female bripkin has a button off her shoe; she wears 
white gloves, but they are badly soiled. She wears a three- 
quarter-length grey squirrel coat. 

American chttmpagne is bripkin — Key- West cigars and 
domestic beer, and imitation coffee. (See Voip.) 

A bripkin umbrella is made of gloria. 

The second-rate suburb of a great city is a bripkin, and so 
is he who dwells therein. He wears a watch-chain strimg 
across his vest. (See Mooble,) 

Bripkins are the marked-down gowns and suits, at the tail 
end of the season; and the green hat, " reduced from $18.75." 

A Bripkin sat in a trolley car. 

And his eyes were bright and tiny; 

His collars and cuffs were slightly soiled. 
But his finger nails were shiny, 

A girl came in with run-over heels. 
And the Bripkin up and kissed her! 

But I knew, by her mangy ermine muff. 
That she was his Bripkin sister. 



8 




BRIPKIN 



A NEW DICTIONARY COW 



Cow'cat, n, 1. A person whose main func- 
tion is to occupy space. An insignificant^ 
OP negligible personality. 2. A guest who 
contributes nothing to the success of an af- 
fair; one invited to fill up, or from a sense of 
duty. 3. An innocent bystander. 

The cowcat will not talk, but oh, how he listens ! How he 
watches! How he criticises! But why speak of the cow- 
cat as " he " } They usually have large, black satin, placid 
abdomens, or else they are thin and nervous, with acid eyes. 
(See Yowf,) 

How describe a cowcat? There's nothing about it to de- 
scribe. It's a jelly-fish — a heavy jelly-fish, however. It 
sits upon your stomach, like a nightmare. 

Cowcats fill hotel chairs, and the rockers of summer veran- 
dahs, knitting gossip. (See Mooble,) 

Your wife's relatives? 

The cowcats in the corners sat. 

And brooded 'gainst the wall. 
And some were thin and some were fat. 

But none would talk at all. 

The atmosphere grew thick and cold — 

It had begun to jell. 
When I, with desperation bold. 

Arose, and gave a yell! 



n 



CRI BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Critchi V. 1. To array oneself in uncomfort- 
able splendor. 

Critch'et-y, a, l. Conspicuous and stiff; 
garbed elaborately, especially on a hot day. 
2. Painfully aware of one's costume. 

Oh, that stiff collar! That binding corset! Those burn- 
ing feet in the tight shoes! Yes, you are critched, but at 
the same time you have the moral support of being becomingly 
and fashionably clad. A critch is half pride and half mad- 
ness — it's the martyrdom of fashion. (See Vorge,) 

The unaccustomed exquisite in his hard boiled shirt, stiff 
cuffs and high collar stands critchety, but willing to endure 
the agonies of the aristocracy. 

You may be too cool in decollete, or too warm in your furs, 
but vanity vanquishes the critch. 

You are critched when you have a picture taken, but that 
radiant smile survives. At private theatricals all the actors 
are critched with tights and swords and furbelows — trying 
to appear at ease. (See Wowze,) 

The banker is critched with his silk hat in a high wind ; and 
the dowager, as she carefully arranges her skirts when she is 
seated. But to be properly critched, you must be a Japanese 
countess, putting on stays for the first time in your artless, 
lavender life. 

A sovereign's lot is sad and strange. 
For kings and queens, they say. 

Are all uneasy; they must change 
Their clothes ten times a day! 

Ah, robes and uniforms and crowns 

Are glorious things, I know. 
And queens do wear ex'pensive gowns — 

They must he critchety, though! 



12 



-> 



A NEW DICTIONARY CUL 



Oulpi n. 1. A fond delusion; an imaginary at- 
tribute. 2. What one would like to be, or ' 
thinks oneself. 

Oul^pidi a, 1. Visionary, non-existent. 2. Not 
proved; autohypnotized. 

Many women have the culp that they are beautiful, men 
that they are irresistible, shrewd, or interesting. 

A culpid actor is one who thinks he can act, but can't. His 
culp is that he is making a hit. (See Splooch.) 

The mother has the baby culp; but the infant to other eyes 
is not so wonderful. 

The woman with the culpid taste thinks that no other 
woman knows how to dress. (See Wumgush,) 

The autnor who has had three letters requesting his auto- 
graph, has the culp that he is popular. 

That young man who stays till 11.45 p.m. has a culp that 
he has fascinated yawning Ysobel. 

She had a culp that she was fair. 

In fact, that she was pretty; 
Alas, she bought her beauty where 

They sold it, in the city. 

And now her culp is: Looks will lie; 

And her delight is huge — 
She thinks that none suspects the dye. 

The powder and the rouge! 



IS 



DIA BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Di'a-bobi n. l . An obj ect of amateur art ; any- 
thing improbably decorated; hand-painted. 
2. Any decoration or article of furniture 
manufactured between 1870 and 1890. 

Di-a-bob'i-cal| a. Ugly, while pretending to 
be beautiful. 

Who invented the diabob? The infamy is attributed to 
John Ruskin. At any rate, humble things began to lose the 
dignity of the commonplace; the rolling-pin became exotic in 
the parlor. The embroidery blossomed in hectic tidies, 
splashes and drapes. Hand-painting was discovered. 

So, from the Spencerian skylark to the perforated " God 
Bless Our Home." Now the jigsaw was master; now, the 
incandescent point that tortured wood and leather into night- 
mare designs. Plaques began their vogue. (See Gefoojet.) 

Diabobical was the hammered brasswork; diabobical the 
sofa cushion limned with Gibson heads. The decorative fan, 
genteel; the pampas grass, dyed bright purple; the macrame 
bags and the seaweed pictures passed; came the embossed 
pictures stuck on bean-pots and molasses jugs; came the 
esthetic cat-tail and piano-lamp, " A Yayd of Daisies," and 
burnt match receivers and catch-alls, ornamented by the fam- 
ily genius. 

Ah, Where are the moustache cups of yesteryear? 

This object made of celluloid. 
This thing so wildly plushed, — 

How grossly Art has been annoyed! 
How Common Sense has blushed I 

And yet, these diabobs, perhaps 

Are scarcely more outre 
Than pictures made by Cubist chaps. 

Or Futurists, today! 



U 




DIABOB 

8e« alto Gefcnuet, Golobbiit' and GoRornf 



A NEW DICTIONARY DIG 



Dig'mix, n, 1. An unpleasant^ uncomfortable^ 
or dirty occupation. 2. A disagreeable or un- 
welcome duty. 

Dig^mix, V. To engage in a necessary but pain- 
ful task. 

The type of the digmix is cleaning fish. At first it is dis- 
gusting^ untidy, uncomfortable. Then, you begin to enjoy it, 
rather; and finally, as the clean, finished product of your skill 
appears, there is the refreshing sense of duty well done. 
(See Gloogo,) 

So with all household digmixes, stuffing feathers into pil- 
lows, peeling onions, taking up carpets, putting up stove 
pipes, beating rugs, attending to the furnace and washing 
dishes. You loathe the work, but, when it is finished, you're 
so glad you did it. 

The mental digmix is less satisfactory, but just as necessary. 
Discharging the cook is a digmix. Breaking the news of a 
death, refusing a man who has proposed, explaining just why 
you came home at 2 a. m., accompanying a child to a dentist's, 
getting a divorce, waiting on a querulous invalid, having a 
lawsuit with a neighbor, — all are digmixes. (See Moosoo.) 

Why, to some, the mere eating of an orange or a grape fruit 
is a digmix! They feel as if they oyaght to take a bath and 
then go straight to bed. 

But why enlarge upon a painful subject.'^ After all, life 
is just one digmix after another. 

Poor Jones was in a digmix — he 
Had blown his right front tire; 

He worked from half past one till three; 
Oh, how he did perspire I 

But that was not what crazed his mind; 

A digmix worse than that 
Confronted him — he had to find 

That day a good, cheap flat! 

17 



DEI BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Dril^lig, n. A tiresome lingerer ; a button-holer. 
Dril'li-ga-tor, n. Same as drillig. 
Dril^'li-gatei v. l. To detain a person when he 

wants to go to work or get away. 2. To talk 

unceasingly at an inconvenient time. 

He rings you up on the telephone, or she rings you up, and 
drilligates you by the hour, if you are too kind-hearted to hang 
up the receiver. Of course she has nothing important to say; 
you know she is leaning back in her chair, smiling, and eating 
chocolates. (See Lallify.) 

The drillig calls in the rush hours of business, sits down^ 
crosses his legs, and nothing moves except his mouth. He is 
never busy and never hurried. He catches you on the street 
corner, holds you by the button or lapel, in the middle of a 
cursing stream of pedestrians, and tells you a Icfng, dull story. 
** Just a minute, now, I just want to tell you about — " The 
Ancient Mariner was a drillig. (See Xenogore.) 

The public speaker at the banquet rises with a bland smile 
and looks at his watch. " The hour is so late," he says, ** and 
there are so many more interesting speakers to be heard from, 
that I shall detain you with only a few words — " and he 
drilligs oti for an hour and six minutes by the clock. 

The drillig catches you in a corner at the club and tells you 
the story of his play; the young mother nails you to the sofa 
with her smile, and drilligs you about Baby. 

The book agent, anchored in the front door at meal times, is 
the master drilligator of them all. (See Persotude.) 

I was rushing for the station. 

Had to catch the 6,11, 
When he caught me, seized a button. 

And began to talk — Oh, Heaven! 

For the Drillig was a golfer. 

And I knew he'd talk his fill; 
So I cut that button off my coat — 

He is talking to it still! 

18 



A NEW DICTIONARY EDI 



Ed^i-clCi n, 1. One who is educated beyond his 
intellect; a pedant. 2. One who is proficient 
in theory, but poor in practice. 

In old times, they spoke of " Book learning " and worshiped 
the edicled fool. But we are wiser today and know the hol- 
lowness of the edicle. 

The edicle is the college professor who has listened to his 
own talk so long that he has mistaken knowledge for wisdom. 
The book-worm who has learned to believe that literature is 
greater than life. (See Snosh,) 

A woman is an edicle, who prates " new thought " and 
juggles the trite phrases of a philosophy too heavy for her 
comprehension. (See Orohaldity,) A man is an edicle when 
he quotes Browning or Karl Marx or Herbert Spencer. Most 
clergymen are edicles, and persons who rave over pictures 
they don't understand. 

The book reviewer who can't write a book himself, is an 
edicle. The dramatic critic is an edicle, for he has failed as 
a playwright. (See Yowf,) 

The college girl who can't cook is an edicle; the young 
medico, newly graduated, with an " M.D." painted on him 
still fresh, and wet and green, — a mere mass of quivering 
Latin words. All editors are edicles. 

Josephus is an edicle, 

A Doctor wise is he; 
Oh, no! — not doctor medical — 

Only a Ph. D. 

« 

His brain is like a phonograph's. 

And he would starve, unless 
He'd started writing monographs 

On " How to BE Success." 



19 



EEO BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Ee^got, n. 1. A fair-weather friend; one who 
is over-friendly with a winner. A sucoess- 
worshiper. 

Ee^goid, a. 1. Self-interested, mercenary. 

The eegot slaps the favorite sprinter on the back and cheers 
him on, but switches interest when he fails to finish. The 
eegot takes the popular side of every subject, curries favor 
with the rich and prosperous, and is attentive to the belle of 
the ball. 

Four feet away from the popular hero, and you will find 
the eegots clustered close. (See Elp.) 

The eegot votes for the one whom he thinks will win — he 
believes that the rich can do no wrong. 

The eegot always wears " the latest," and reads only " the 
best sellers." (See Ovotch.) 

He suddenly discovers his poor country cousin, — after 
she has married the Lieutenant-Governor. 

Molasses draws flies — prosperity breeds the egoid parasite. 

When you are rich and great and grand. 

The eegot needs you badly; 
He wags his tail, he licks your hand. 

He lets you kick him gladly. 

But when your fortune's gone, and fame. 

Where is the eegot then? 
Oh, he is capering just the same — 

But now for other men! 



20 



A NEW DICTIONARY ELP 



Elp, n. 1. A tricky, sly or subtle person; one 
who evades his responsibilities. 2. An ingen- 
ious ruse; sharp practice. 

El^pine, a. Disappointing; plausibly apolo- 
getic. 

The elp is a clever promiser, who doesn't make good. You 
never can pin him down, — he always escapes you. He won't 
do what he has promised, or pay his debts; but his explana- 
tions are always all-but-convincing. 

The tradesman is an elp, who promises to deliver those 
provisions in time for dinner, and always has a good excuse. 
The ladies' tailor is an elp — the suit is never done on time. 
(See Goig,) 

At the employment agency, the elps abound. They are 
always " sure to come " on Thursday. Friday and Saturday 
pass by. 

The elp never quite knows, but would never confess his 
ignorance. It is impossible to get him to say either " Yes " 
or " No." 

Most infamous among the elps is the philandering suitor, 
who is attentive to you for years and years, keeping serious 
men away, and yet who will not propose. (See Xenogore.) 

He promised he would pay in June — 

Then August — then September; 
And then he sang the same old tune: 

He promised for December. 

His sister died — his wife fell ill — 

His brother needed help; 
And I believed his tales, until 

I saw he was an elp. 



21 



FID BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Fid^gel-tick, n. Food that it is a bore to eat; 
anything requiring painstaking and ill-re- 
quited effort. 2. A taciturn person^ one from 
whom it is hard to get information. 

The fidgeltick tastes good^ but is it really worth while? 
Come now, — doesn't salad really bore you — unless it is 
served, as in California, at the beginning of a meal, while 
you are still hungry? Broiled live lobster! How succulent, 
yet how meagre its reward to the appetite! Frogs' legs are 
fidgelticks, and shad and grape fruit and pistachios. Why 
can't such tasteful delicacies be built with the satisfactory 
architecture of the banana? The artichoke gives perhaps the 
minimum of reward with the maximum of effect. (See VoipJ) 

And who does not flinch at a Bent's water cracker? 

To make cranberry sauce with the skins in, and cherry 
pie with the stones, should be against the law. 

So it is, to extract information from a railroad official after 
an accident. Interviewing the master of a steamer is like 
getting the meat out of a butternut, or the flesh out of a 
shrimp. Sooner or later, you will give him up in discourage- 
ment. He's a fidgeltick! (See Jurp,) 

Politely you inquire of a ticket seller at the theatre; you 
might as well talk with a foreigner, or a deaf man. All, all 
are fidgelticks ! 

I wish that I could eat as fast 

As actors, on the stage; 
Five minutes does a dinner last — 

No fidgelticks enrage. 

If they should dine on soft boiled eggs 

In some new problem play. 
Or lobsters broiled, or frogs' hind legs — 

What would the actors say? 



22 



A NEW DICTIONARY FLO 



Ploo'i-jab, w. 1. A cutting remark, disguised 
in sweetness. 2. A ladylike trouble-maker. 

Ploo'i-jab, V. To make a sarcastic comment in 
a feminine manner. 

Ploo-i-jab'ber-y, n. Feline amenity. 

For the flooijab of commerce, see the typical Ethel-Clara 
dialogues in the comic papers; and yet, one cannot describe 
the tone — the sugared smile that gives the shot its sting. 
(See Farm.) 

Anent women's looks, the flooijabs fly fastest. 

" Oh, yes, Helen used to be a very beautiful girl ! " 

" We're not so young as we used to be, but you do look 
awfully pretty, today," 

" No, — I don't think you look a day older, — except when 
you are tired." 

" I'm so delighted that you are engaged to Harry ! How 
did you do it — ' holding the thought ' ? " 

" They do say she's awfully fast — but I never noticed any- 
thing — I think she's sweet. Too bad she's talked about 
so!" 

" I think you gave an awfully good performance — of course, 
you weren't a Bernhardt, but then . . ." (See Wumgush.) 

" I'm so sorry you didn't make good; it's a shame! I think 
you did awfully well, really ! " 

" I thought your little story was so good. I suppose in- 
fluence with the editors counts a lot, — doesn't it .'^ " 



You think they talk of men and mice. 

Of operas, and cabs; 
Ah no! Beneath those phrases nice. 

They're shooting flooijabs. 

No man can know — hut women may 

Interpret women's smiles — 
It's what they mean — not what they say, 

That stings in women's 'ipilcs, 

23 



FEI BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Frime, n. l. An educated heart. 2. One who 
always does the right thing at the right time; 
a person who can be depended upon in time 
of need. 

The mind is cultivated until it is hypercivilized^ but where 
is the educated heart? The frime^ like the fool^ is born, not 
made; no one has told him when to speak and wheq to remain 
silent^ or when to laugh and when to cry. (See Zobsib,) 

The frime knows when you are hungry, when you are 
thirsty and when you would be let alone. He speaks a per- 
son's name so clearly when he introduces you that you can 
actually understand. 

The frime knows when to come and when to go; he makes 
the lion as comfortable as the humblest guest. He sends you 
fruit instead of flowers. The frime knows the etiquette of 
life and love and death; he likes you in spite of your faults. 
As a lover, he never makes you or himself ridiculous. As a 
consoler, he is never guilty of that most ironic bromide: "If 
there is anything I can do, let me know." (See Spuss,) 

When I was down and out, one time — 

Believe me, 'twasn't funny! — 
/ chanced upon a thorough frime; 

Unasked, he lent me money. 

When I was rich, and he was poor 

I lent to help his need; 
And did he pay it hack% Why, sure! 

There was a frime, indeed! 



24 



A NEW DICTIONARY PUD 



Fud, n. 1. In a state of deshabille^ or confu- 
sion. 2. A mess, or half-done job. 
Pud'dy, a. Disordered, untidy, unkempt. 

What is a fud? A woman in curl papers and her oldest 
kimona. A man in his shirt-sleeves with his suspenders hang- 
ing from two buttons, down behind. It is a half built house; 
half cooked potatoes on the back of the stove. Anyone in 
stocking feet. (See Frowk,) 

No one can help being fuddy, at times, so long as there is 
house-cleaning and moving to be done; but some fuds are 
fuddier than others. A house that is being reshingled, for 
instance, is far less fuddy than an actress washing grease- 
paint off her face, or stumbling in a peignoir through a Pull- 
man car, her hair tousled, to reach the dressing-room. (See 
Spigg.y 

Ellen's top bureau drawer is fuddy, after she has tried to 
find " that veil." The parlor and library are fuddy after 
the reception. 

It's an unpleasant subject. Let us end it, with the men- 
tion of half-dried wash and unwashed dishes in the kitchen 
sink. (See Uglet.) 

I call you fuddy — how severe 

My accents disapproving! 
And yet, you cannot help it, dear, 

Alas, for we are moving! 

The house is fuddy — so am I, 

And so is everybody! 
The moving van is late, so why 

Should we not all be fuddy? 



25 



FRO BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Prowk, n, 1. A spicy topic. 2. An action con- 
sidered to be about half wrong. 

Prow'COUS, a. Nice, but naughty, or consid- 
ered so; piquantly provocative; risque, per- 
taining to sex. 

How frowcous is the limerick, in its most perfect form! 
That frowk which it is just barely possible to recite at a 
dinner party : — " There was a young lady so thin, that she 
slightly resembled a pin; don't think that I'd creep to her 
window and peep — I was told by a friend, who looked in." 

'Tis a frowcous epoch — eugenics, white slavery, and the 
" dangerous age " are now the vogue, and a play that's not 
a frowk can scarcely make a hit on Broadway. (See Ovotch.) 

In the era of " sensibility " — when ladies had the vapors, 
the sight of a man shaving himself was frowcous. Now, we 
subscribe for the foreign illustrated comic papers, and speak 
boldly concerning " Damaged Goods." (See Bleesh,) 

Once a turkey trot was frowcous ; bare feet and cocktails — 
but little is frowcous now. There are so many *' things that 
a young girl ought to know ! " 

A frowcous tale one day I told 

To Revered Eli Meek. 
His laughter he could scarcely hold — 

It lasted for a week. 

He couldn't stop his wild guffaws; 

To calm his merry gale 
He had to leave the church, because 

He had to tell the tale! 



26 



A NEW DICTIONARY GEP 



(Je-fooj'et, n. 1. An unnecessary thing; an 
article seldom used. 2, A tool; something 
one ought to throw away, and doesn't. 3. The 
god of unnecessary things. 

Ge-fooj'et-y, a. l. Superfluous. 2. Pertaining 
to an old garret. 



€f 



Oh, no, I don't want to throw that away yet; I'll give it 
away to somebody, some time," or " We may need it." This is 
the doctrine of Gefoojet, which, preached and practiced in 
New England, has outlived the dogma of infant damnation. 
A thousand housewife martyrs have suffered years of perse- 
cution, testifying to the sublime nonsense. (See Quisty.) 

In my grandmother's wood-house closet, were ten thousand 
pieces of folded brown paper, and one hundred miles of string, 
salvaged from by-gone packages in sacrifice to Gefoojet. 

Old letters, half used scrap-books, bottles, boxes and frag- 
ments of hardware accumulate unceasingly. 

What is a Gefoojet.*^ It's something you haven't used for 
two years, an old magazine or your wedding dress. 

This is what cupboards and closets, top shelves, what- 
nots and garrets were invented for. — Gefoojets. 

Have you a camera? Go forth and garner gefoojets. 

" That thing " you keep because it was given by a dear 
friend — beware of it — 'tis a gefoojet. (See Thusk,) 

Seven years I kept her letters — how 
Some time, I hoped to read them! 

Alas, they are gefoojets, now! 
I know ril never need them. 

But still gefoojetry survives. 

And makes us slaves to Things; 

Each day Gefoojet, all our lives. 
Some useless present brings! 



27 



GIX BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Oix'lety n. 1. One who has more heart than 
brains. 2. An inveterate host; an irresistible 
entertainer. 

Oix^let-y, a. Brutal kindness; misguided hos- 
pitality; an overdose of welcome. 

" Have some more of this — please do — I insist — I made 
it myself ! " So says the gixlet^ as she passes the piccalilli. 
(See Vorge,) 

The gixlet insists upon paying your fare everywhere, he 
begs your pardon, when you step on his foot. He introduces 
you to everybody he meets. In public, he praises you with 
excruciating conspicuousness. At home, he insists upon your 
going to church, or showing you over his new house. 

He says, " AVhy haven't you been before?" (See Wum- 
gush,) 

He takes you on long walks when you visit him in the 
country, and want j ust to sit on the verandah and loaf. 

The gixlet in the club orders drinks when you don't want 
them, and insists upon your drinking them, because he does. 
The gixlet, in short, is the joyous, friendly dog, that leaps 
with muddy paws upon your clean, white trousers. 

The Gixlets entertained me till 

I thought I'd die the death; 
His wife and he could noi keep still. 

Though I was out of breath. 

They showed me things, they made me gorge. 
Then walked me round the farm; 

That night, I hilled them both, by George! 
Tell me, where was the harm? 



2S 



A NEW DICTIONARY GLO 



Oloo^gOy n. 1. A devoted adherent of a person^ 
place or thing. 2. A married person in love 
with his or her spouse after the first year. 
3. Anything that can be depended upon. 

Oloo^gOy a. Loyal, constant. Foolishly faith- 
ful without pay. 

Do you take cold baths all through January, February and 
March ? You're a gloogo, — especially if you don't talk about 
it. (See Yab,) 

Do you work over hours at the office? Do you come down- 
town early? Do you run in on Sundays and finish up a little 
batch of business? You're a gloogo. 

The gloogo, when young, studies his home lessons, instead 
of going to that Saturday night dance. In after-life he at- 
tends church every Sunday, and puts a quarter in the plate. 
If he plays golf, he prefers a rainy, cold day. (See Vorge,) 

The gloogo elevator runs all night — but it's a curiosity. 

The family gloogo comes to dinner regularly on Wednes- 
days and Sundays. (See Xenogore.) Elsie Peach's gloogo 
calls every day and always invites her to everything. Mrs. 
Valentine's maid-servant is a gloogo — she loves to have extra 
company for dinner. 

You are a gloogo, if you read Burgess Unabridged all 
through. 

John Smith was a gloogo of forty-five. 
And he worked like a piece of machinery; 

He was fond of his wife (who was still alive). 
And he always took lunch in a heanery. 

He went to church, and he didn't drink. 
And he had no sins, no mystery; 

And that'll he all about him, I think, — 
For Gloogos seldom make history. 



29 



001 BITRGESS UNABRIDGED 



Ooig, n. A suspected person; one whom we 
distrust instinctively; an unfounded bias; an 
incxplainable aversion. 

Ooig'some, a. Dubious ; requiring references or 
corroboration. 

To one from Missouri^ tlie world is full of goigs. Well 
you have to ** show me/' too, when the new janitor takes 
possession of the cellar — he's a goig. There's the man with 
the perj^ftual smile; he's a goig. Why do we watch the 
gentleni7in whose collar buttons behind, or the dog who doesn't 
wAg his tail? There's something goigsome about them. He 
"listens well/' — but! I ha'e me doots! (See Eegot.) 

To the fondly doting mother, her son's sweetheart is always 
a goig. When he's engaged, she is still more goigsome. Once 
married, and the suspense is over. (See Frime.) 

Would you be a goig? Then shave your upper lip and grow 
a chin beard. 

The servile affability of an English shopkeeper, rubbing 
his hands — how goigsome ! So is your wife's man-friend, 
and the nrw cook. 

But, lx\st of all goigs — or worst — the man who says : 
"Oh, I'll surely pay it back next week, at latest!" (See 
Elp.) 



The dividends are ten percent. 
The stock " is going to rise," 

" It's going to make the fortune of 
Each lucky man that buys," 



But still, I think I'll not invest, 
I do not know just why, — 

But with a Goig, it is best 
To let your neighbor try I 



30 



A NEW DICTIONARY GOL 



Oorio-hiXi n. 1. An untimely annoyance, es- 
pecially when one wishes to sleep. 2. An au- 
ditory nuisance. 

Of course, when you put up at the Fleetville Hotel Imperial, 
you got a room in the rear, looking out over the railroad sta- 
tion and the trains ran all night, hacking and switching, rais- 
ing a fine gollohix. But the side rooms were just as had; 
there was a gollohix windmill creaking incessantly. 

Further back in the country a dog will make the best gollo- 
hix, baying at the moon, or yelping at a woodchuck. 

So let's come to the city. It's all night in the Pullman, and 
the gollohix they make with the milk-cans and switch-engines 
won't last but three or four hours. 

Why try to describe the gollohix? It's the piano in the 
next flat at midnight; it's the turkey-trotting overhead; it's 
the phonograph across the hall. (See Jujasm,) 

Why do they put in your neighbor's coal so late in the even- 
ing, when you have tonsilitis? The coal-man loves a gollohix, 
as a chauffeur loves a cut-out motor, as a city child loves fire- 
crackers on the 3rd of July. 

A musical comedy makes a good gollohix when you sit in 
the front row next to the drum, but a crying baby at four 
o'clock in the morning makes the best of all. (See Kidloid,) 

Wait a minute — I forgot the man who practices the trom- 
bone or the cornet, just across the airshaft — that's a gollohix 
to dream about! 

A New Year's Eve in gay New York, 

Fire engines at a fire, 
A parrot that doth squawk and squawk 

Are gollohixes dire. 

If gollohixes all could he 

Escaped, I'd thank my stars. 
But Gollohix the Great is he 

Who snores in sleeping-cars I 

81 



GOL BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Oo-lob-ri-fac'tioil| n. l. An object which has 
suffered extravagant decoration. 2. A com- 
position superspiccd with adjectives. 

Oo-lob-ri-fac^tu-rer, n. A mad architect^ or 
designer. 

CSk)-lob'ri-fy, v. To adorn excessively; to add 
excruciating and unmeaning ornament. 

Golobri faction is the extravagant exaggeration of art. One 
may golobri fy pastry^ jellies^ salads; or literature^ with de- 
cadent phrases. 

Golobri faction is the art of supers weetening^ or the flourish 
of eccentric adornment. (See Diabob,) 

Topiary gardening golobrifies the country residence of the 
aristocrat; humbler abodes are golobrified with cast iron stags 
or plaster statues of nervous nymphs. 

The lover golobrifies his billets doux with ardent adverbs. 
The ambitious builder golobrifies his villas with the fret-saw 
and the turning-lathe. (See Gorgule.) 

Trading-stamp furniture, Spencerian flourishes, imitation 
castles, parsley decorations, notched turnips, oranges and 
radishes, cheap picture-frames, perfumery bottles, boars' 
heads, fishes with tails in their mouths, gingerbread men — 
all are golobrifactions. 

The wedding cake of the millionaire is a golobriboblif action. 
Art nouveau would require still another syllable. After all, 
is there much difference between a valentine and a formal 
Italian garden.^ 

Her gown it was golobrified 

With flounces, tucks and shirrs. 
With laces trimmed, with ribbons tied. 

With buttons, fringe and furs. 

Like unnamed tropic bird her look, — 

For, putting Art in action. 
Her spouse, a famous pastry cook. 

Made that golobri faction I 

82 



A NEW DICTIONARY GOR 



Oor^gule, n, 1. An unwished- for gift; an un- 
necessary, splendiferous object. 2. Elaborate 
bad taste. 

Oor'gU-lous, a. Ornamental, but not useful. 

A gorgule is the imitation malachite clock, the fancy brass 
lamp, the green plush sofa, gorgulous with curves, writhing 
spirals, tassels, gimp and fringe. (See Diabob,) 

A hand-embroidered necktie is a gorgule. So are lacy, 
frilled, beribboned boudoir-caps, without any boudoir; and 
fancy smoking jackets; and corset-covers with chiffon roses, 
theatrical act drops and scenic interiors, — anything too royal 
for humble use. (See Golobrif action,) 

Most wedding presents are gorgules. '* Heavens, I wish 
someone would break that ! " Need one describe the gorgule ? 
A brass-and-onyx prodigy. A celluloid toilet set, in a plush 
casket, a chandelier of the epoch of 1880, a silver-plated ice- 
pitcher, or a set of lemonade-tumblers in colored glass. (See 
Gefoojet.) 

Ever receive a loving-cup, grand and gorgulous? Once 
you were proud of it; now you're willing to have the children 
lug it to the seashore and shovel it full of sand. Why did 
you subscribe for that large folio edition de luxe " Master- 
pieces of Foreign Art," a gorgule in nine monstrous volumes — 
price $85.75? 

Don't forget that eiderdown fan. It's a gorgule. Give it 
to the cook. 

Behold this gorgulated chair — 

A weird, upholsterrific blunder! 
It doesn't wonder why it's there. 

So don't encourage it to wonder j 

For Gorgules such as this don't know 
That they're impossible, and therefore 

They go right on existing, so 

This is the whyness of their wherefore, 

S3 



OOR BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Oomii n. A human hog; a practical egoist. 
Oonn, V. To take or desire more than one's 

proper share; to act greedily. 
Oor^midi a. Selfish^ individualistic. 

The gorm^ when you offer him a cigar^ puts it in his pocket 
and says he ** will smoke it after dinner." When he loses his 
watch^ he offers a reward which shrinks amazingly when his 
property is returned and he is sure of it back. (See Igmoil.) 

The gorm never pays for his round of drinks. He man- 
ages so that the other fellow shall settle for the taxi and the 
tickets. He will never move up in the trolley-car or take his 
bundle from the seat. On the railway^ he manages success- 
fully to occupy four places at once. 

The gorm is the woman who tries to get in ahead of the 
line which forms at the ticket office. She monopolizes the 
most attractive man in the room to the exclusion of her sis- 
ters. At the bargain counter the gorm holds three waists 
while she examines a fourth. 

Children gorm candy and ice-cream ; men gorm free lunches^ 
and women in Pullman cars gorm the ladies' room for hours 
and hours, behind locked doors. (See Spigg,) 

And all girls gorm love, or try to gorm it. 

He gormed the fireplace, standing there 

With coat tails to the flame 
With easy grace, without a care 

For us who, shivering, came. 

He gormed the magazines, and sat 

On papers by the dozen; 
But at our club we're used to that^-~ 

Our gormid English cousin! 



34 



A NEW DICTIONARY GOW 



Qow'yop, n. 1. A state of perplexity, wherein 
familiar persons or things seem strange. 2. A 
person in an unfamiliar guise. 

Have you ever been ** turned aroimd," coming out of a 
theatre, after an exciting play? Right is left and west is 
east. You are in a gowyop. It is long before you can turn 
yourself about and make the world seem normal. 

The husband who has just shaved off his beard is a gow- 
yop to his wife. And his wife is a gowyop, after she has 
tinted her hair bright red. (See Spigg.) 

The gowyop is like that room you see in the mirror, — 
so like, and yet so different. Your house, the day after the 
fimeral, is a gowyop — everything seems so strange. 

A pretty child, with his two front teeth out; a person you 
haven't seen for many years and you now behold grown up; 
a son or a daughter who has just been married, are gowyops. 
So is the dignified old gentleman in the bathing suit. Or, 
that aristocratic dowager, who, when the house is on fire, ap- 
pears in her night-gown ; and your cook, when she is " dressed 
up." 

To the bachelor of science, returning after four years at 
college, home is a gowyop, too. (See Thusk.) 



All in a gowyop I descried 

An unfamiliar world; 
All upside down, I vainly tried 

To get myself uncurled. 

But I was inside out, till when 

I met my wife — the sight 
Quite turned me outside in again — 

She^d bleached her black hair white! 



S5 



GUB BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Oub^blei n. 1. A murmuring of many voices. 
2. Society chatter. 

Oub^blBi V, To indulge in meaningless conver- 
sation. 

Oub^ble-gO, n. 1. A crowded reception, a talk- 
ing contest. 

It's like some huge, slimy reptile, with a hundred mouths, 
all murmuring. As you are admitted to the house, as the 
servant takes your hat and cane, the far-off sounds of gubbling 
strike you with terror; but it must be done. In you go. 
Everyone is talking, but no one is listening. Say anything 
you like — it will be lost in the gubble. 

There's gubble in a wordy play. There's gubble at the 
steamer when you see a friend off for Europe — a flattering 
gubble, after you have performed in public. (See JVumgush,) 

Letters of condolence usually consist of gubble. Editorials 
about marine or railway disasters are gubble. So are funeral 
sermons. (See Alibosh.) 

I entered, and I heard the hum 

Of multitudinous gubble; 
And I was terrified and dumb. 

Anticipating trouble. 

When I remarked that hens had lice, 

{Not knowing what I said), 
My hostess smiled, and said " How nice! 

Let me present Miss Stead! 



9f 



36 



H^. 




HUZZLECOO 



A NEW DICTIONARY HUZ 



Huz^zle-COOi n. 1. An intimate talk; a " heart- 
to-heart" conversation; a private confidential 
chat. 2. A flirtation. 

A huzzlecoo is an animated conversation between two women 
over the back fence. It is a business talk between two part- 
ners and their credit-man behind the locked doors of the 
office; it is the directors' meeting which results in Jones being 
appointed. 

Ward politicians hold huzzlecoos in the back rooms of 
saloons and make up their '* slates." Mother and daughter 
hold a huzzlecoo in Nellie's pink cretonne bedroom over " that 
yoimg man '* who has become so attentive. After the baseball 
captain and his manager have a huzzlecoo^ Five-Base Murphy 
is put into the box. 

But if you've never heard two girls discussing a man^ or 
sat in the front parlor with Moony Mamie^ the Merry Man- 
eater, till 2 A.M. — then I pity you; you'll never know what 
a good hot huzzlecoo means. (See Voriander.) 

The huzzlecoo that Mary had 

With me, the other night. 
Was intimate and personal. 

And, — well, you know all right! 

The huzzlecoo her father had 

With me, soon after that. 
Was intimate and personal — 

/ left without my hat! 



89 



HYG BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Hy^gOgi n, 1. An unsatisfied desire. 2. An 
anxious suspense. 

Hy-gOg^i-cal, a. Unattainable ; next to impossi- 
ble. 

Oh, that hygogical curtain-shade that simply will not catch, 
jiggle it up and down as you will! Oh, that mirror, too high 
for you, even on tiptoe! Oh, that telephone operator who 
won't answer — and that match you can't find, in the dark. 
Hygogs. Did you ever wait for a sneeze that wouldn't 
come? It is a hygog. 

The chandelier — just out of reach; with lighted match, 
how often have I striven to light the gas ! It was a hygog. 
How near, and yet how far! 

Your note paper too large for the envelope. Fold it over 
on the edges and cram it in — No, it sticks, and will not 
go ! It's a hygog. Or, if once rammed in, nol man can draw 
it forth. (See Wijjicle,) 

Ah, but you suffer, not only for your hygog, but for an- 
other's: The actor, who forgets his lines, the parlor elocu- 
tionist who pauses and cannot get the next verse — the hygog 
is an agony unendurable. (See Splooch,) 

Hygogical is the strained anxiety of one who waits in 
nervous suspense for someone to meet her at the station in 
time to catch the train. 

The cave-man knew it when, pursued by a saber-toothed 
tiger, he crawled out on the end of a too slender limb. 

In Baltimore an oyster rare 

Lay on his shell of pearl. 
Huge as an alligator pear — 

^Twas placed before a girl. 

Two times to swallow it she tried. 

Three times, and still did fail; 
The hygog was too long, too wide — 

Let's kindly draw the veil! 

40 



A NEW DICTIONARY HYP 



Hyp^ri-jimp, n. l. A man in a woman's place 
or who does women's work. 2. An obedient 
and thoroughly domesticated husband. 3, A 
man entirely surrounded by women. 

He may wash the dishes because his wife is ill, or because 
she is making a speech on the street corner; but he is still a 
hyprijimp. He may wheel the baby-carriage because he is 
in love with his offspring or afraid of his wife; he is a 
hyprijimp. (See Forge,) 

He who carries bundles, kisses his wife in public, does 
errands for his sister or criticises hats with real fervor is a 
hyprijimp. 

The hyprijimp is the male guest at a woman's club; a man 
at a prayer meeting, an author who reads his own poems, a 
non-smoker, a husband in an employment agency. (See 
Farm,) 

The husband of a Suffragette is a hyprijimp. (See 
Wowze.) 

Within a tea-room, pink and dim. 

Mid candlesticks and tiles, 
A hyprijimp, the only Him, 

Was waiting, wreathed in smiles. 

Ah, did he swear at Her delay? 

Did rage his forehead crimp? 
Oh, no, he was not built that way; 

He was a hyprijimp! 



^ 



41 



IGM BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Ig^moil, n. 1 . A quarrel over money matters ; 
a sordid dispute. 2. The driving of a hard 
bargain; a petty law suit. 

Before the funeral was over, the brothers and sisters were 
fighting over the will; yes, before the father was dead^ they 
had their igmoils over the property. 

Woe to the wife of the stingy husband! Many are her 
igmoils. (See Ilyprijimp,) 

And yet no one can escape the igmoil when abroad. When 
they charge you, as an American, four times the price, how 
can you help trying to jew them down.^ (See Jurp,) 

The igmoil is the pawnbroker's daily bread. 

To lose a friend through an igmoil, is the most sordid 
tragedy of life. 

My wife had bought a summer hat; 

It cost her 19.20, 
That is, of course, it cost me that, 

I thought 6.50 plenty. 

We had an igmoil, for, you see, 

I had to have that money. 
She couldn't see I needed three 

New golf clubs! Ain't that funny? 



42 



A NEW DICTIONARY IMP 



Imp^killi n. A superhuman pet; a human off- 
spring masquerading in the form of a beast; 
an animal that is given overabundant care. 

The impkin is the sole heir of Race Suicide^ his mother be- 
ing The High Cost of Living. He is supposed to ** love his 
mummy." 

Impkins are canine and feline, but their parents are usually 
asinine. 

The impkin is hyper-domesticated but doesn't particularly 
like it. An impkin being frankly natural is always a shock 
to his mistress. (See Frowk.) 

The impkin is particularly affected by large blondes, and 
always when their hair is hennaed. 

Impkins have collars but no cuffs. They wear boots and 
ulsters and live in limousines. They give teas and grudg- 
ingly tolerate the presence of the master of the family. (See 
Farm,) 

The impkin is supposed to have all of a baby's virtues and 
none of his faults. It requires more care, but doesn't jeopard 
one's place in Society. 

An impkin, noble and refined. 

Complained, " No doubt you see. 

Of course, I do not have to mind 
My mistress — she minds me J 



ff 



** A Pomeranian canine, I, — 
She's but a common woman; 

She's really quite insulting — why. 
She seems to think I'm human! " 



4>S 



lOB BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



I^O-bink, 71. 1. An implaceable resemblance; an 
uncertain similarity. 2. An inaccessible mem- 
ory. 3. An unexplainable sound. 

A flash of mysterious semi-recognition confuses you for 
a moment. "Where — when — have I done just that thing 
before ? *' No use to search your memory or puzzle your 
wits; you can never catch up with the elusive thought: It's 
an iobink. 

That strangely familiar face you pass in the street — the 
figure you dimly recognize in the restaurant. 

The iobink^ like a will-o'-the-wisp, leads you on in fond 
pursuit. It was probably some clerk in a dry-goods store, 
or the assistant in the grocery. (See Oofle,) 

So the iobink subtly tortures you. You hear its human 
voice in sounds of running water, or the moan of the wind. 
And, as you lie in bed, terrified, an unexplainable noise keeps 
you awake. But, it's nothing — only an iobink. 

What t* that word, that you cannot quite remember? It 
circles above your head, just out of reach. The iobink will 
not come, except uncalled. The tune you strive to bring 
back haunts you like a ghost. You cannot give it audible 
form. It hovers beyond your consciousness in a world of 
iobinks. (See Rizgidget.) 

Who was she? And what was her name? 

Somehow, I couldn't think. 
Why was my memory so to blame? 

It was an iobink. 

Where had I seen that faoe, that stare? 

In some old, previous life? 
The iobink dissolved — and there 

She was — my former wife! 



44 



A NEW DICTIONARY JIP 



Jip, n. 1. A dangerous topic of conversation; 

2. A suggestive remark. 
Jip^lish, a. Likely to lead to an explosion; too 

personal. 

Never make fun of Reno •— even to Mrs. Newly wed — she 
may have a ticket already bought, and it will be a jip. (See 
Pooje,) 

Never speak slightingly of actors, dentists, Jews, Socialists, 
mothers-in-law, plumbers. Christian Scientists or Progres- 
sives -^ the man in the embroidered velvet necktie who has 
begun to glare at you, may be all of them — it's a jip. 

Did you ever ask a grey-gowned brunette the whereabouts 
of her husband only to find that he had died last week.^ 
Rather jiplish! 

Anyway, you're pretty sure to make a jip with your girl, 
sooner or later — whether you discuss her best hat or her 
best friend, the talk is apt to be jiplish. To ask a woman 
her age is a jip. 

Never ask a man what his wife said when he got home 
late — it's a jip. (See Skyscrimble.) 

I asked Bill Green how Mrs, Green 

Enjoyed her motor trip. 
And if she liked their limousine — 

Believe me, Hwas a jip! 

It was a jip to talk of her. 

For she eloped last fall; 
She ran away with his chauffeur. 

And took him, car and all! 



45 



JIR BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Jir'ri-wig, n. l. A superficial traveler. 2. 

The Philistine abroad. 3. A bromide in 

search of himself. 
Jir'ri-wig, v. To travel with one's eyes shut. 

To destroy opportunity. 

I met Mrs. Jirriwig first in Paris. She had been there 
three months^ and had spent 87 days with modistes and 
lingeristes, one day at the Louvre — the rest of the time 
she had been ill. When she wasn't trying on gowns^ she 
was in a cab, going to or from the process. (See Mooble.) 

Later, on the train, I met Mr. Jirriwig, on the way to 
Venice. The train flew by the bounteous beauties of Lom- 
bardy, historic and picturesque. Did Mr. Jirriwig look out 
of the window.^ No, he was too busy reading his Baedeker, 
learning about Venice. In Venice, he spent his time in gon- 
dolas, reading up Florence. In Florence he sat at little 
cafe tables, turning the pages of his red-covered book and 
getting acquainted with Rome. So he saw Europe, — in type. 

But there are thousands of Jirriwigs in Paris. They have 
been there for years, and all the French they know is 
" Combien?" They are in a state of perpetual disgust, that 
things are so different to anything in the United States. 

But there are Jirriwigs in New York also. They live in 
the Subway, in offices and in flats. (See CowcaW) 



Said Mr. Jirriwig, one day. 

To Mrs, Jirriwig, 
"Let's see the Versailles fountains play; 

They say they're fine and big! " 



Yes/' said his wife, " they're fine and big, 
I've seen them once, you know! " 
Thank God! " said Mr, Jirriwig, 
" Then I won't have to go! " 



46 




JIRRIWIG 



A NEW DICTIONARY JUJ 



Ju^jasnii n. 1. A much-needed relief; a long- 
desired satisfaction. 2. An expansion of sud- 
den joy. 

Ju-jas^mic, a. Offering relief from suffering, 
or an escape from ennui. 

Thank God the train has started! So, after the long, 
dreary wait on a side-track, your heart expands in a de- 
licious jujasm. As noise after long silence, so is silence 
after much noise, a jujasm. (See Gollohia:.) 

After your slow recovery, jujasmic is the doctor's dictum, 
" I think we'll have to get you up tomorrow." 

Why is Helen's face with wild jujasm alight.'^ Dilatory 
Dick has at last proposed. (See Xenogore,) 

As deep as the grim horror of the dentist's deed, just so 
high does your spirit rise in jujasm when the tooth is out. 

Spring! After the long suspense is over, the first day of 
balm and warmth brings jujasm to your heart. 

As a hot drink on a sleigh-ride ; as food after a long fast — 
so is the first sight of women to a sailor, after his eight- 
een months at sea, jujasmic. 

Last night, I took high-browed Harriet to the theatre, and 
she talked of her soul, while I perished. Oh, the rise of the 
curtain on that third act of farcical folly! It was a jujasm. 
(See Orobaldity.) 

Jujasmic is it when, at night. 

Your baby stops his wails; 
Or when the land, at last in sight. 

The seasick traveller hails. 

But what are such jujasms to this — 

(7 hope your memory's strong,) 
That first ecstatic, rapturous kiss 

You waited for, so long! ^ 



49 



JUL BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Jul^liz, n. A mental affinity^ with a similar 
taste and inclination. 2, One who knew you 
when you were a child. 



<<i 



'He speaks my own language ! " Smile if you will, and 
call it sentimentality, but some there are, your jullixes, who 
laugh at the same jokes as you and weep at the same sights. 
Out of the ruck of social five-o'clocks you pick them, like single 
pearls out of dead oysters, and they shine in your memory 
forever. Three words spoken, and you know them as you 
know yourself; and you have floated lightly from ports of 
conventionality, never to return. (See Frime.) 

Such is your jullix. It is not only that he loves your au- 
thors and your songs; not that he has been to the same queer 
foreign little towns that you have " discovered " — or even 
that she has had the same operation. Of your jullix you 
know far more than that — you know his soul. 

When you are rich, sedate and prominent, comes one wilh 
whiskers and calls you, " Bill ! " He knew you when you 
wore short trousers; and he, too, knows your language — 
that all but forgotten speech of your youth. (See Thusk.) 

Is she a jullix who was once engaged to the man whom 
you have married.^ A jullix.^ Yes, but alas, she knows too 
much for friendship! 

A woman's jullix is one who knows her real age. 

How Elsie stared I Did Elsie guess 

What bond united her 
To that girl opposite her? Yes I 

It was her jullix, sure. 

Oh, not from souls akin, and less 
From friendship did she know her; 

But both had bought the self-same dress 
In the same department store I 



50 



A NEW DICTIONARY JtJR 



Jurp, n, 1. A haughty inferior; a saucy under- 
ling. 2. An impudent servant or clerk. 
• Jur^pid, a. Insubordinate or impertinent. 

Cooks^ brakemen, shop girls are often jurpid. The whis- 
tlings gum-chewing office boy, who won't take in your card and 
says, " The manager's out/' is jurpid. 

The officious policeman, the barber who talks, the head- 
waiter, who always gives you the table you don't want, is 
jurpid when you object. (See Moosoo.) 

What good does it do to report the jurp.^ You'll only 
have on your conscience the fact that a man with a 
big family has lost his job. And so, you swallow his jurpid 
jibes. 

** Well," says the jurpid milliner, " you said you wanted 
a red hat, and this hat's red. We ain't got anything redder. 
If I'd a-known you wanted blue, why didn't you say so, and 
I'd a-shown you some purple ones ! You can see for your- 
self green's more becoming, though." 

Colored maids, messenger boys and janitors cannot help 
being jurps — they were born that way. (See Splooch,) 

It was a jurp who answered back. 

Impertinent and pert; 
A filthy beast, who drove a hack — 

You should have seen his shirt! 

And I a gentleman! Whee-ew, 

What jurpid things he said! 
I'd given him a dollar, too! 

But it was made of lead. 



51 



KID BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Kid^loidi n. 1. A precocious or self-assertive 
infant; an enfant terrible, 2. A hotel or stage 
child. Any juvenile person who is too * 
ubiquitous. 

Kid^loid, a. Impertinent or offensive^ in a 
childish way. 

'In the hotel the kidloid is manufactured and developed from 
shy and timid modesty to the final perfect stages of con- 
spicuous vulgarity. He is like an improbable old man^ or 
a cynical hag but without the charm of age. 

The kidloid^ in comic papers, hides under the couch when 
his sister's beau is calling, and is subsequently bribed to 
silence. In actual life, however, he is much more offensive 
when you know he's about. (See Forge,) 

The kidloid is called upon to recite '* pieces " before com- 
pany, and invariably makes a fool of his parents. 

The kidloid makes conversation an agony, and has the ap- 
parent power of a multiple personality. He seems like at 
least a dozen persons when he is in the room. 

Kidloids are created by fond and idolatrous parents by the 
simple process of giving them their own way. 

The stage kidloid is a cross between an intelligent ape and 
a mummy. The hotel kidloid is an anthropoid dynamo. (See 
Gollohix.) 

The kidloid at the Beach Hotel 

We thought a model child, 
For he behaved so very well — 

lie was so meek and mild. 

But every girl, for comfort's sake. 

Had paid him, every day 
That she had company, to make 

That kidloid stay away! 



52 




KIPE 1>e15ocT^ 



A NEW DICTIONARY KIP 

Kipe, V, To inspect critically ; to appraise prag- 
matically; to eye with jealousy or envy. 
Eipe, n, A woman's glance at another woman. 



Up and down, from hat to heel, women kipe each other 
insolently as they pass. In subway or in street-car, every 
woman who enters is kiped by her shrewd-eyed sisters. In 
that k^en first glance, every article of the new comer's rai- 
ment is appraised. (See Fhoijab,) 

So, at the employment agency, the housewife kipes the 
cook, and cook kipes housewife, each turning away with the 
thought, " She won't do for me." (See Snosh.) 

Employer kipes the applicant for ^position, accepts or re- 
jects. The poker-player, with his last blue chip in the pot, 
kipes his four-card draw. The fastidious smoker kipes the 
gift cigar. The golfer kipes his " lie." 

Says Aunt Samanthy Hanks to Mary Jane at the county 
fair, as she kipes the patchwork bedquilts in the gallery, 
" Mine's better'n her'n." Says the mother of the bride, as 
she kipes the wedding presents spread out on the table, 
"H'm! his folks must be close-fisted." (See Gefoojet.) 

As you whiz, motoring through the park, a car flashes by 
— but not too fast for your automobile host to kipe it: 
" 1913 36-6 ' Strangler '— No good! " 

So do the village girls kipe the strange young man in town. 

Carlotta kipes at Ermyntrude, 

And Ermyntrude at Rose; 
And every stitch that each has on 

Each other lady knows. 

Each lady knows the other's faults. 

Her quality and si^e. 
And just how old and good she is; 

Would men were half as wise! 



55 



KBI BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Krip'lle, n. A worrying physical sensation^ an 
invisible annoyance absorbing one's attention. 

Kxip^sly, a. Distracting^ distrait^ onmentiona- 
bly provocative. 

Walking on spilt sugar is kripsly. 

That fugitive morsel of walnut-meat in the cavity of your 
bi-cuspid, which your tongue chases so thoughtfully^ but 
in vain — a fascinating kripsle^ as kripsly as a loose tooth! 
(See Forge.) 

Has a hairpin fallen down your back? Smile^ and don't 
be kripsly; beware that faraway look that tells the story! 
And when through that hole in your stocking your big toe 
sticks out^ don't be kripsled! 

The ancient Stoics, like the modern Christian Scientists, 
declared that all kripsles were Error. But Mortal Mind 
knows full well that when you have both hands and arms full 
of bundles, the drop that hangs, pulling at the end of your 
nose, is a kripsle hard to bear — it cannot be snuffed in or 
shaken off. 

The philosopher may be calm, even while his foot is 
awakening from a soimd sleep; the poet may not lose his 
inspiration even with a hair in his mouth; but to plain John 
W. Smith, of 101 Eighth Avenue, a kripsle is as disturbing 
as a broken elbow, or a bleeding poached egg in its death 
agony. (See Slub,) 

Perhaps you think that smile you caught. 

Her introspective air. 
Her pensive mien — is caused by thought 

Too shy for you to share. 

Ah, so it is! With all your tact 

You fail. It is no use! 
For she is kripsled by the fact 

That her left garter's loose. 

56 



A NEW DICTIONARY LAL 



Lal^li-fac-tion, n. A verbose story, a joke re- 
peated. 

Lskl^li-fy, V, 1. To act too slowly; to delay. 
2. To give an over-painstaking or super- 
elaborate performance. 

Did you ever hear an Englishman lallify his conversation 
with, " What I mean to say is this/' and " if you know what 
I mean " and " do you see *'} So the shop girl lallifies her 
talk with " Listen here ! " or " Say, listen ! " while she gropes 
for an idea. The preacher, barren of fresh thoughts, lallifies 
his meager sermon. " Fourthly, beloved brethren — " (See 
I>rillig,) 

A " talky " play is lallified till the house walks out. Like 
a song sung too slowly, so is the lallified talk of the young 
man who doesn't want to escort that particular girl home. 
(See Forge and Xenogore.) 

The lallified book: Wide, wide margins and thick, thick 
paper — or, maybe it is lallified only with adjectives or ad- 
verbs. 

Have you ever heard that man Gerrish tell his favorite 
story, lallify ing it with dialect-dialogue till you yawned .f' 
Then, after you have forced a laugh, he lallifies the point 
with reminiscent unction, repeating it reflectively, itching for 
more applause. 

The consummate lallification is two women saying good- 
bye to each other. (See Wumgush.) 

For months and months the Hemmingways 

Have lallified of Baby, 
How Baby walks and talks and plays — 

And have I listened? Maybe, 

But now the time has come, today. 

To lallify that pair; 
For I am working on a play. 

And talk about it there! 

67 



LEO BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Le'O-lump, n. l. An interrupter of conversa- 
tions; one who always brings the talk back to 
himself. 2. An egoist; one who thinks you 
are necessarily interested in what interests hinu 



it 
tt 



When I was in Italy," I began, carelessly — 

Oh, dear, IVe never been out of New York! " she whined. 

I do wish I could go to Italy sometime ! " 

She was a leolump. I could not mention anything without 
her applying it to herself. The word "objective" was not 
in her dictionary. 

The leolump always caps your story with one stranger and 
bigger than yours. He has acquired the art of the superla- 
tive. (See Persotude.) 

Talk to a leolump actor of logarithms, and in an instant 
he will prove relationship; he can show himself to be first 
cousin to the carbo-hydrates in a congress of foreign chemists. 

Conversation? Impossible when a leolump is present. 
Even if he has the civility not to interrupt, which he hasn% 
the minute you stop speaking he is astride his hobby and rid- 
ing himself to social suicide. (See Blurb.) 

He has a million subjects ready in the pigeon-hole marked 
" I." 

Women are seldom leolumps, for they never allow the con- 
versation to depart from the subject of themselves. And 
so they never have to interrupt, or bring the topic back. 

He breaks into your talk, and cries, 

'* Oh, that reminds me," — then 
Oh, how his tale your patience tries! 

But you begin again, 

A leolump you cannot shame; 

His head is like a fly's; 
His brain is small, but all the same. 

He has a thousand " I's/' 

?8 



A NEW DICTIONARY LOO 



Loob^lum, n. 1. A pleasant thing that is bad 
for one; rich, but dangerous food. 2. A flat- 
terer; flattery. 

Loob^loid, a. 1 . Sweet, but indigestible. 

Loobloid is the broiled live lobster and the hot mince pie. 
Loobloid, ice water when you are warm and whiskey when 
you are cold. 

But human nature still woos the looblum. For youthful 
inexperience, green apples and the first cigar; for age, ennui 
and discouragement, — opium, morphine and cocaine. 

Yes, all those things of which the bromide * says, ** I like 
them, but they don't like me," are loobloid. Black coff'ee at 
night and a cocktail in the morning — both are looblums. 

And yet, the mental looblums are worse; corroding the 
character with sweetest poisons. How rapturously we gulp 
them down ! You ask criticism on what you know is bad, and 
enjoy the loobloid praise. On his opening night, the am- 
bitious playwright makes his speech in answer to the loob- 
lums of applause. (See Wumgush.) 

On the morning after her wedding-day, the blue-nosed 
bride reads loobloid descriptions of her beauty at the cere- 
mony. 

Most loobloid, but most sweet! The flattery of the fond 
and doting parent. (See Gulp.) 

My after-dinner speech was lame. 

No gift of gab is mine; 
The chairman praised me, all the same. 

He said .my talk was fine, 

I had been terrified, and I 

Made blunders that were frightful; 

The chairman lied — but what's a lie? 
His looblum was delightful! 



59 



BIAC BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Bla-chiz'duxny n. l. A thinly disguised bore- 
dom. 2. A disappointing spectacle. S. The 
apotheosis of the obvious. 

Bla-chiz^zle, v. l . To attempt unsuccessfully to 
please. 2. To try too hard to like something. 

Pageants^ processions and picnics are all machizzlums; for 
well you know before they starts that boredom shall be yours. 
Why does one stand jammed^ crowded, imcomfortable, peer- 
ing over bobbing heads at men in curious costumes marching 
by? Why endure the long waits of the machizzlum? After 
it is over, one wonders why he has just consented to be 
machizzled. 

Almost every motion picture show is a machizzlum to sane- 
brained folk. So is watching the election returns, or an auto- 
mobile race where there are no accidents, or a partial eclipse 
of the moon. 

Do you call upon a belle? Do you try to converse with 
the " popular *' man ? Surely you will be machizzled. Don't 
try to read the book that has been too widely praised; what 
everyone likes, is sure to be a machizzlum. (See OvotchJ) 

The easiest way to be machizzled, is to fall in love with an 
actress. 

The yoimg, yoimg girl smirks and smiles and blushing, 
says : " O Mr. Poet, tell me, when did you first find you 
had this power ? " But to the less sentimental herd, the great 
machizzlum is to be introduced to a celebrity. (See Yowf.) 

It costs you ten to see the sight. 

The weather always lowers; 
Your seat is narrow, hard and tight. 

You wait for hours and hours; 

And when at last the thing is o'er. 
And the last red light has fizzled 

You know the thing has been a bore; 
Once more you've been machizzled! 

60 



A NEW DICTIONARY MEE 



Meem, n. An artificial half light that women 
love ; a charitable obscurity ; a becoming gloom. 
Meem^y, a. Obscure^ dim^ uncertain. 

From a brilliantly lighted hall outside, you plunge into the 
meemy parlors wherein shadows flit, vague, uncertain. You 
stumble over a rug. A silhouette rises and comes forth to 
meet you. How many are there there? Who are they? 
Mysterious is the meem! 

Meemy is that uneasy, tantalizing obscurity, that depressed 
semi-darkness that women who-would-be-artistic find so nec- 
essary for the preservation of their charms. To a man the 
meem is maddening and meaningless; if there are pretty 
women present, he wishes to see them. (See Ripe,) 

There's a dim, religious meem, the shadowy penumbra of 
great cathedrals — the sentimental meem, the sad gloom 
of the funeral — the amorous meem, the starlit darkness, 
wherein lovers linger. 

The meemy woman always sits with her back to the light, 
to watch you from an ambush. (See Squinch.) 

Candles are meemy, especially red ones — except when 
used properly, in clusters. 

Still, a meem does keep out the flies. 

All meemy was the studio. 

And meemy maidens — wait! 
Say, were they maidens? . Heavens, no! 

Are maidens thirty-eight? . 

Well, anyway, they passed for such. 

For candles make a meem 
That women think disguises much. 

Things are not what they seem. 



61 



MOO BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Moon[>ley n. 1. A mildly amusing affair; a 
moderate success. 2. A person or thing over 
whom it is difficult to be enthusiastic. 

Moo^bly, adj,, adv. Innocuous^ feebly, with- 
out uction. 

The Samoans have a word which means, ** A-party-is- 
approaching-which-contains-neither-a-clever-man-nor-a-pretty- 
woman." It's a mooble. Dancing with your own wife is a 
mooble — a fairly good play, a dinner-party where the menu 
makes up for the dramatis persona — moobles ! 

Mooble is the word that " Damns with faint praise " — an 
"awfully nice girl" — why not say it point blank: "She's 
a mooble." (See Cowcat.) 

Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant — a mooble. 

A tame young man — a mooble. (See Snosh,) 

You may be a wonder with women, — leaving a trail of 
fire behind you as you go — but you're a mooble at tennis. 
You're a mooble at pool, too, although you " used to play a 
very good game." 

Moobly novels are written by — well, of course you know 
already. Moobly foods: cornstarch custard, warm iced tea, 
vanilla ice cream. The W.C.T.U. is a mooble. So is a com- 
mencement essay, and most tall, blonde women. 

But the perfect mooble is the man you used to be engaged 
to. (See Thusk.) 



At first I thought her a genius bright. 
Almost an angel — out of sight! 
But the second time that I went to call 
I found her a mooble, after all. 

Only a mooble, and then she wrote. 

Oh, what a moobly, moobly note! 

And how can you wonder my love should end? 

She began her letter to me, *' Dear Friend 



62 



«, 



A NEW DICTIONARY MOO 



Moo^SOOy a, 1. Sulky, out of sorts^ blue, taci- 
turn, discontented. 2. Unsuccessful; getting 
out of order; going wrong, delayed. 

Moosoo is a mild form of " the dumps." You are moosoo 
while waiting for someone who is late, especially late for din- 
ner; when your dress doesn't quite fit, or isn't quite becoming. 

Moosoo is the secondary stage of getting over acute ill 
humor. It is the mood of the wife in her second year of 
marriage. 

Moosoo is the clerk who is discontented with his position. 
Moosoo is the salesman, when you return goods or exchange 
them. (See Jurp,) 

Moosoo is the brakeman, when the train is delayed. 

The wall-flower at the dance is moosoo, though her smiles 
are pungent. 

Moosoo is the maiden when the yoimg man fails to propose, 
although she shows it not. 

Moosoo is the interested escort, when the restaurant music 
is too loud at dinner. (See Huzzlecoo,) 

Children are moosoo, when they can't go to the circus; the 
traveling salesman, when his cigar leaks; and even the polite 
husband, when the burned chops are set before him. 

The weather, itself, can be moosoo, with clouds and dull- 
ness for weeks at a time. 

The day was moosoo; Mary Ann 

Was moosoo, so was I; 
And moosoo were the girl and man 

Whom we'd invited — why? 

Why did we sulk, disgusted, far 

From home, discouraged, blue? 
Because my brand new motor-car 

Alas, was moosoo, tool 



6$ 



Nm BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Ninky n. 1. A useless " antique " object^ pre- 
served in worship of the picturesque. 2. An 
imitation of a by-gone style. 

Nink^ty, a. Architecturally dishonest. 

You buy your ninks at " Ye Olde Shoppe " and by that 
" Ye " — you shall know the ninkty. For a nink is a brass 
candlestick with no candle in it; the pewter mugs and plat- 
ters^ unpolished^ on the sideboard; the old china^ dusty and 
unused upon the wall; old tiles and brass knockers. 

The old flax-wheel in the corner is a nink; the framed old 
sporting prints of horse races and stagecoa^^hes ; the framed 
theatre bills. Pompeian bronze tripods^ never lighted^ in 
hotel corridors. (See Gorgule.) 

A beefsteak party is a nink^ and May-day dances and 
pageants; anything revived, revamped for modern use. 
Doors, covered with nails and decorative hinges bolted on; 
things sewed with thongs; imitation parchment scrolls. 
Whale-oil lamps, ships' lanterns; almost any object of leather, 
copper, or brass. (See Gefoojet.) 

Architectural ninks are imitation beams in the ceiling; hol- 
low columns; furniture, with imitation mortises and pegs. 

The ninkiest nink of all is the framed motto on the wall, 
or a legend painted over the fireplace. 

The ninks that Mr. Parvenu 

Has bought, because " artistic" 

Are " genuine antiques," though you 
Call them anachronistic. 

But still, one nink is not disgraced — 

That sun dial he got 
Is now appropriately placed; 

lie put it on his yacht! 



64 



A NEW DICTIONARY NOD 



Nodge, n. 1. The only one of its kind or set. 
2. A person who doesn't " fit in; " a Martian. 

Nod'gy, a. 1. Impertinent, inconsistent, in- 
applicable; having no mate. 

Wife or housewife — all women know the nodge. It's the 
odd tumbler, or odd plate, — the one button whose mates have 
disappeared; the one glove that persistently turns up; the 
single shoe or stocking; those three trading-stamps she 
doesn't throw away. 

Nodgy is that extra envelope — too small for the paper; 
the one chair that doesn't match the furniture; the lone coat, 
whose skirt has long since worn out; the hat that goes with 
no possible gown. 

Nodgy is the Methodist minister at a poker party; nodgy 
the cut-up at prayer meeting, or the ugly damsel at the ball. 

The modest country girl is nodgy with women who smoke 
cigarettes. (See Ovotch.) 

How long have you saved that old lace yoke — waiting for 
something to put it on. Throw it away! It's a nodge. (See 
Gefoojet.) 

I took my aunt to see the town, 

A task I couldn't dodge; 
At every cabaret she'd frown. 

She was a perfect nodge. 

But when, to visit her, I went 

To Pudding Centre, Mass., 
She took me to a gospel tent, 

I was a nodge, alas! 



65 



NUL BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Nulldn, n. 1. The core or inside history of 
any occurrence. A true^ but secret explana- 
tion. 2. Facts known^ but not told. 

The " nigger-in-the-woodpile " was named Mr. Nulkin. 

The object of a trial by jury is to find the nulkin of the 
crime. 

Why were they divorced? What does she see in him.^ No- 
body knows the nulkin. It is the skeleton in the closet. 

The nulkin is the true motive. Cherches la nulkin. 

The diplomatic service is full of nulkins. 

Why didn't we go to war with Mexico? Did we fear 
Japan? What is the nulkin? 

Why did she get the part of leading lady? This is the 
theatrical nulkin. 

Why is a book popular? Publishers strive in vain to dis- 
cover the literary nulkin. (See Edicle.) 

Why do imitators fail? Because they copy outside traits^ 
and not the inmost nulkin. (See BripJein.) 

A nulkin is the secret thought you never tell, — the real 
reason why your wife doesn't like Sarah. 

" What does he see in her? " we ash; 

" What does she see in him? " 
Ah, matrimonial nulkins task 

The brains of seraphim I 

The nulkin is what you have tried. 

And I have tried to know; 
Instead, we judge from what's outside — 

Perhaps 'tis better so. 



66 



A NEW DICTIONARY OOP 



Oo^fle, n, 1. A person whose name you cannot 
remember. 2. A state of forgetfulness re- 
garding a friend or thing. 

Oo^fle, V, 1. To try to find out a person's name 
without asking. 2. To talk to an unknown 
person without introducing him to a nearby 
friend. 

Oofled, p.p. Mortified needlessly. 



« 



How do you do, Mr. Goheevus; you don't remember me, 
do you.^ " Are you oofled? If you are not, you will say, 
" No, why should I ? ** But alas, one usually is oofled, and 
struggles desperately to conceal the fact, groping wildly in 
the well of one's memory for the lost name, while one's 
friends stand about reproachfully, waiting to be introduced. 

Any person whose name is Baker is an oofle, — or Brown^ 
or Davis. The other most celebrated oofles are Harris, John- 
son, Miller, Palmer, Pratt, Porter, Stevens, Simpson, Rich- 
ards, Roberts, Taylor, Wheeler and Wilson. Can you ever 
tell one from another? No, not even if the pistol is held 
to your head! (See lobink.) 

Of course what's an oofle to you may not be oofly to me, 
especially if my name is Goheevus. (See Mooble.) But 
everyone is oofled by a hostess who mumbles her introduc- 
tions. (See Cowcat.) 

No wonder I was oofled, for. 

Although I knew his face. 
In some way, for the life of me. 

His name I couldn't place; 

Now, was it Harris, Johnson, Brown, 

Or Palmer, Jones or Piatt? 
He was an Oofle, anyway — 

There was no doubt of that! 



67 



ORO BURGESS UNABMDGED 



O-ro-bal'di-ty, n. l. Modern witchcraft; Ori- 
entalism adapted to Occidental intellects; 
Emerson-and-milk. 2. An alleged process of 
getting wise quickly; a short cut to success. 

Orobaldity in its most acute form, t. e,, Vedantic philosophy 
with the asceticism left out, is particularly affected by females 
who are not willing to gain success or happiness through 
mere effort. It consists of gambling with the intellect, in 
order to gain a dishonest percentage of mental profit. 

Orobaldity is, in the main, a modem magic supposed to be 
controlled by cryptic phrases and abracadabra such as " into 
the silence " and " holding the thought." It is not necessary 
to know the esoteric meaning of such charms, or to exert any 
actual energy in obtaining one's desires. (See Gubble.) 

Orobaldity is a thing of " vibrations " and " thought cur- 
rents " and is founded mainly upon analogies with wireless 
telegraphy and other modem scientific discoveries. It finds 
occult meanings in colors and numbers. 

Orobaldity is medieval mysticism, mainly practised by 
women who have nothing else to do. (See Mooble,) 
■ Actresses out of work find in orobaldity a good substitute 
for trying to get an engagement. Neurotic and erotic tem- 
peraments find it an admirable stimulant to egoism. 

First she was a Christian Scientist, 
And then a New Thought daughter; 

Next she became a Theosophist, 
Then Bahaiism caught her. 

But now her Occultism wanes. 

Astrology dispelling ; 
Her Orobaldity remains 

As just plain Fortune-Telling, 



68 



A NEW DICTIONARY OVO 



O'votch, n. 1. One who does things merely be- 
cause others do. One swayed by popular 
crazes^ the victim of custom. 2. A currently 
popular fad or form of amusement. 

To-day, baseball is an ovotch; dancing, whist, golf, 
Eurythmics, Eugenics, Kelly pool and Burgess Unabridged. 
(See Blurb,) 

Golf is a re-ovotch, a revival of an obsolete sport. The 
popular tune of the day is an ovotch; the current slang; the 
fad of the hour in custom and costume. 

Past is the ovotch of the bicycle, croquet and archery; to- 
morrow the ovotch may be put upon flying, skin-tight trous- 
ers, or free love. (See Thusk,) 

One ovotch will never be revived, the family reciter, with 
her vox humana tremulo voice. 

In Grandma's time, the ovotch quaint 

Was to be meek and modest; 
She used to have the " vapors '* — (faint) 

She was so tightly bodice d. 

What is the ovotch for a maid 

To-day? The gown that lets 
Her lissome figure be displayed, — 

And smoking cigarettes. 



69 



PAL BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Pa-loo^dle, n. One who gives unnecessary or 
undesired information. 2. Uncalled-for ad- 
vice. S, A recital of obvious details. 

Pa-loo^dle, v. To give the above; to assume 
omniscience. 

Pa-loo^dlum. A paloodle talk. 

Have you ever in the theatre sat in front of a gabby gent^ 
who paloodles his girl with the story of the play, announcing 
each entrance and exit? 

The paloodle is ubiquitous; at the baseball game, he ex- 
plains each play ; at the pool-table, he tells you what you ought 
to do, or should have done. He is proficient in the knowl- 
edge of how to run other people's business. (See Drillig.) 

Old maids paloodle you with advice' on how to train your 
children, or how to manage a husband. (See Lallify,) 

A horse falls on the slippery pavement. Immediately it is 
surrounded with paloodles, suggesting blankets, and straps 
and buckles, and *' Sit on its head." It's the paloodle's 
head that should be sat upon. 

The stage manager paloodles the actor : " You cross 
here," he says ; and, ** You want to cry all through that 
scene." No wonder the dramatic critic also paloodles the 
actor on the opening night. (See Yowf and Edicle.) 

Paloodling the baby is the favorite occupation of the sec- 
ond year of married life. " How to cure a cold," a paloo- 
dlum in six parts. 

Each base was full, the score was tied. 
The strikes they numbered two; 

Still that paloodle at my side 
Paloodled me and you! 

The inning was the ninth, alas. 

But the end I did not see — 
For I was murdering the as/ 

Who'd been paloodling mel 

70 



A NEW DICTIONARY PAW 



Paw^dle, n. 1. One who is vicariously famous^ 
rich or influential. 2. A person of mediocre 
ability, raised to undeserved prominence. 

Paw'dle, V, To wear another's clothes. 

You all know him, the pawdle, or her, who pawdles in un- 
paid-for prosperity. 

The husband of the famous wife, or the wife of a Star. 

The child of a celebrity; the daughter of a president. 
(See Yowf,) 

The editor of an Anthology, or a translator. An adopted 
child. A woman with dyed hair. An officer of the militia. 
An American countess. The author of a privately printed 
book. (See Edicle,) 

To pawdle is to go to the theatre on passes; to ride in 
other people's automobiles, to use hotel or club stationery. 

To pawdle is the poor husband of the rich wife; also the 
husband of the industrious vaudeville artiste, or the farmer, 
who lets Florrie do all the work, while he talks politics at 
the village store. (See Hyprijimp.) 

Behold Brother Pawdle, the Past Grand Worthy Superior 
Thingamajig, of the Glorified Order of Pawdles, in his 
transcendental uniform and gold sword! He is really the 
book-keeper of a fish-shop. 

. Only a pawdle — don't tell her so. 

For she thinks, as pawdles do. 
She is sought because of herself, you know; 

But you know that that isn't true. 

Only a pawdle — but never mind. 
For she'll die in due season, when 

Her proper place she will really find — 
Not even a pawdle, then! 



71 



•if. 



PER BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Per'SO-tudei n. Social warmth, personal mag- 
netism, charmi 
Per^SO-mag, n. The unit of social favor. 

A man charged to the highest voltage of persotude could 
borrow any amount of money. The charge fluctuates in the 
same person. After a good dinner, one vibrates sometimes 
up to 7,000 persomags. Cocktails, compliments and social 
success make one buzz with persotude. (See Gubble,) 

Anyone troubled with negative persotude should take a 
rest cure and test his recovery by trying to sell life insur- 
ance, which requires the greatest sparking charge. (See 
Spuzz.) 

Persotude is independent of beauty, though it is hard to 
make a woman believe it. Getting rich adds to one's perso- 
tude, — but not always. Rockefeller's persotude is less than 
6^ persomags. (See Yowf.) 

Nicknames are prime evidence of rich persotude. 

The highest persomags in America are Roosevelt, Christie 
Matthewson and Maude Adams. 

When Walter, at his Sunday School 
Declaimed ** The Old Front Gate, 

They flattered so the little fool 
His persotude was great. 

He went upon the stage and planned 

To be a tragic hero. 
He never even got a *' hand " — 

His persotude was zero. 



9f 



72 



A NEW DICTIONARY POO 



Pooje, n. 1. An embarrassing situation; a 
sense of guilt; a regrettable discovery. 2. 
One who is caught in the act. 

Pooje, V, To make a painful discovery; un- 
wittingly to create a scene. 

Poojed, p.p. Disconcerted, mortified, aghast. 

A pooje is a sudden desire to become invisible; as when, 
entertaining company, the neat housewife sees a cockroach 
crawl along the floor. 

John was kissing Mary, when Eliza opened the door. It 
was a pooje. John and Mary were poojed good. But even 
this wasn't as bad as when John tried to kiss Eliza. She 
poojed him. "Sir!" she said, "how dare you?" 

Last night I dreamed that I was standing on the corner of 
Forty-second Street and Broadway at 10-45 p. M. just as the 
theatre crowd swept by. Yes, of course you know the sensa- 
tion well — I was in my night-gown, with bare feet ! Was I 
poojed? Rath-er.' (See Agowilt,) 

Also, you can get pooj ed merely by trying to step up a top 
stair which doesn't happen to be there, or by being caught 
putting one cent in the contribution-plate. 

Never listen at the keyhole when a man and his wife are 
quarreling inside; he may suddenly open the door and pooje 
you. (See Bimp.) 



Said Parks to his stenographer, 
, ''All ready? Well, take this!" 
And then Parks gave the girl a hug. 
And then gave her a hiss. 

Just then the door was opened wide. 
And his surprise was huge — 

'Twas Parhs's wife; he nearly died. 
For Parks was in a pooje! 



78 



QUI BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Quink, n. 1. An expression or mood of anxious 

expectancy; absorbed determination. 
Quinked, p.p. Haggardly resolute, with the 

excitement of suspense. 
Quink'y, a. Tense, uncertain, fearful. 

A quink is the Welch rarebit face, the expression of one 
serving at tennis, or playing a difficult pool shot, — lifting the 
ball out of a bad golf hazard. 

Women are quinked when they open a telegram; a boy, as 
he lights a fire-cracker. A girl, when in front of the glass, 
as she turns around to see if her underskirt is hanging down 
behind. A man, when he reads the ticker tape, during a 
panic, or is buttoning up the back of his wife's dress. 

A waiter is quinked when his customer takes the change 
from the plate — how much will be the tip ? The cook, when 
she is trying the candy in a cup of cold water. The mother, 
as she waits for the fever to turn. (See Squinch,) 

A quink is that expression you have on your face just be- 
fore the tooth is pulled; the minute before the flashlight 
goes off; when she pulls the trigger of the gun. 

You are quinked when you wait for someone who is late, 
or when you hurry to catch the last train, with only four 
seconds to spare. 

The fat man's face is quinked, when he tries to tie his own 
shoes. It is the face of the man, swimming under water, or 
of the playwright, on his opening night. (See Snosh.) 

On Henry's face the lines were set. 
Distraught, he frowned and blinked; 

Why? He was all alone, and yet 
He was severely quinked. 

He heard the bell, but to the door 

He dared not go, to-day; 
For he was quinked untU that bore 

At last had walked away. 

74 



A NEW DICTIONARY QUI 



Quis'ty, a. Useful and reliable but not orna- 
mental. 

Quis^teri n. A person or thing that is beloved 
for its efficiency, character or worth, rather 
than for decorative value. 

She was not beautiful, but she was business-like; she knew 
how to spell "its" and "it's" and "there" and "their" 
and " they're." Her employer did not propose to her or take 
her out to dinner, but he would not have parted with her for 
a fortune. She was quisty. (See Sphoch.) 

The little tin motor-car your sporting friends call a " road- 
louse " will go as far as his gas-drinking, tire-burning, oil- 
consuming " Complex " and for one-tenth the money. It 
isn't pretty, and it isn't expensive, but it's quisty. 

Your jimmy-pipe is quisty, and so is that old mangy dress- 
ing-gown and that comfortable, worn pair of corsets, and 
those shabby shoes you hate to throw away. (See Gefoojet,) 

Awful were the ugly apartments of the 80*s, but the rooms 
were large and airy; no such quisty flats nowadays. 

Do you use an old-fashioned barber-style razor? Why? 
Because it's quisty. That's why you use that prehistoric 
stylographic pen, instead of a fountain, with a stiff, 
scratchy nib. (See JVijjicle.) 

Is your faithful, sympathetic wife a quister? Remember, 
it's always the best-looking women who go through the di- 
vorce courts. 

A 'pretty maid had Mrs, Slade, 

And Mr, Slade admired her; 
He used to glance at her askance 

So much the Mrs, fired her. 

A quisty maid now cooks for Slade, 

She's uglier and thinner. 
But Mrs, Slade is much dismayed; 

Slade won't come home to dinner, 

75 



QUO BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Quoob, n. 1. A misfit^ an incompetent person. 

2. A person or thing obviously out of place. 

S. One not worldly wise. 
Quoob, V. To act differently than the rest; to 

commit a solecism ; to be in the wrong place. 

As you stand on the doorstep arrayed in your best^ a sud- 
den pang smites you. The door is opened. There is a 
look of blank astonishment, as you are ushered in. No 
hostess comes to greet you, no gay appareled guests are there. 
You are a quoob. The dinner is next Thursday, not to-night. 
(See Zobzib,) 

Which is worse, to be the only one in evening dress, when 
all the rest are modestly clad, or to be yourself in street- 
clothes, surrounded by low-necks and jewelry? In either 
case, you are a quoob. 

If you are a natural born quoob, you are the only one of 
all the audience to applaud, or cheer. At that sudden lull 
in the conversation, you are the one to speak aloud. " No, 
I must say, I prefer the old-fashioned night-gowns." 

Sadly the quoob waits »in the drug-store for the girl who 
never comes. (See Quink.) He goes to a party thought to 
be smart, to find he is the only one of importance. 

A woman who is too tall is a quoob, or a man who is too 
short. So are you, when in rain coat and rubbers, after the 
sun has come out, or returning home in the morning, in youp 
last night's dress suit. 

/ dreamed that I went out to walk 

In but my night-shirt clad! 
I was a Quoob; I could not talk; 

Oh, what a time I had! 

But that was nothing to my plight 

When dining with Miss Lee — 
They all wore evening clothes that night 

Except one Quoob — 'twas me! 

76 




Q.UOOB 



'^ 



A NEW DICTIONARY RAW 



Bawp, w. 1. A reliably-unreliable person. 
2. One who means well. 3. A kind of hus- 
band. 

Baw'pus, a. 1. Dilatory. 2. Semi-efficient. 

The rawp can be absolutely depended upon to forget to 
bring " that book " he borrowed and that now you need. 

Unreliable.^ Oh, you can depend upon him never to keep 
any engagement promptly; you would so much rather that 
he would fail utterly — then you could properly scorn and 
suppress him. (See Zobsib,) 

But he does answer his letters — after a while. He does 
mail letters — after they are sufficiently smooched and 
crumpled in his coat pocket. The rawp, like the zobzib, is 
almost always late for the train, late enough at any time to 
give you a hygog. 

Rawpus is the clerk who makes errors in his additions; 
the typewriter who spells " to " in three ways — all wrong, 
is also rawpus. (See Splooch.) 

** Did you get me that spool of red silk I asked you to this 
morning.^ " said Mrs. Smith. No, he forgot it. Mr. Smith 
is a rawp. 

** Did you ring up Green and tell him to send a man to 
mow the lawn?" asked Mr. Smith. No, she didn't; Mrs. 
Smith is a rawp. 

And little Sammie Smith, who never goes to bed until he's 
been told seven times — what then is he ? A rawpet ? 

When Mr. Rawp arrived, the boat 

Was sailing from the pier. 
And Mrs. Rawp was there, afloat — 

So far, and yet so near! 

No wonder Mrs. Rawp was vexed. 

For she returned, to find 
He took the steamer sailing next. 

And she was left behind! 

79 




*i 



RIZ BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Riz'gid-gety n. l. A state of mental inertia 
or indecision; an inability to make up one's 
mind; a case of rival possibilities. 2. One 
who is lazily undecided. 

You get the commonest^ the most usual rizgidget in the 
restaurant: "What shall we have to eat?" But in seek- 
uig A gown^ a hat or a wedding present^ the rizgidget is 
always lying in wait for you, ready to infect you with 
mental sleeping sickness. It can catch you in the park and 
prevent your being able to decide even which side of the 
foimtain to pass. 

" Where shall we go on our vacation — to the mountains 
or the seashore ? " This is the rizgidget which blooms 
perennially on June 1st. (See Uglet.) 

" How much ought I to ask for it.'^ " This is the rizgid- 
get that has prevented many a sale. 

" Which man shall I accept ? " So the popular maiden 
is rizgidgeted. 

" It looks like rain ; shall we go or stay ? " " Shall we 
sell our stocks, or hang on } " We cannot make up our 
minds; we are the victims of a rizgidget. 

Why, every time you have a dinner party, you have the 
rizgidgets over whom to invite. (See Cowcat.) 

A donkey with two hales of hay. 

So does the fable run, 
Rizgidgeted the livelong day. 

Deciding on " which one? 



f» 



So, with a stupid hrain that's stirred 
By sluggish fuss and fidget. 

Deciding what to name this word 
Do I delay — rizgidget! 



80 



A NEW DICTIONARY ROW 



Bowtchi n. One who has elaborate gastro- 
nomic technique. 

Bowtchi V. 1. To accomplish strange maneu- 
vers over food by means of a knife and fork. 
2. To eat audibly or with excessive unction. 

For the "Kansas City" or "banjo grip/' the rowtch, tak- 
ing the fork in his left hand, places his thumb and little fin- 
ger below, while the first, second and third fingers, as if 
touching the strings, press down upon the top of the instru- 
ment. (See Wog.) 

The " Texan " grip is still more desperate ; the fork is 
gripped as if about to stab — indeed it does stab, too! 

Rowtching, however, can be done with a knife, as in the 
well known operation upon the tonsils, incidental to meals 
among our lower classes; the knife may be used to rowtch 
peas, or as a tool in that form of food-modeling which chil- 
dren affect. 

More delicate and refined, more dainty and feminine is 
that form of rowtching which consists in jabbing a piece of 
meat upon the fork and adding dabs of potato, turnip and 
gravy until the utensil is heaped with its heterogeneous bur- 
den. Mashing and smoothing down of potato and smearing 
it with butter affords the rowtch opportunity for his plastic 
skill, or you may swirl your soda water glass. 

Vegecide, the cutting of cooked potatoes and garden truck 
with a knife, is the only rowtch that obtains in high life. 

A conscientious eater was 

My mother's Uncle Bill; 
We liked to see him eat, because 

He liked to eat his fill. 

And when he'd rowtched the meat and bread 

And things all out of sight. 
He pushed away his plate and said 

" Lord, where's my appetite I " 

81 



SKI BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Skinje, v. To feel shudderingly; to annoy 
your fingers ; to shrink from ; to set your teeth 
on edge. 

Skinjed, p.p. To have one's tactile nerves 
outraged. 

Skin^jidi a, Harsh^ rougli or gritty. 

Did you ever skinje a broken finger-nail on satin? " Alias, 
Jimmy Valentine " can rub his finger-tips on sandpaper, but 
it's too skinjid for poor little Me. 

My Aunt Eliza's hands are skinjid; no wonder, she xvUl 
wash them in soft-soap. And every time I kiss her chapped 
lips, I am liorribly skinjed. (See Vorge.) 

James Wliitcomb Riley, in a pathetic little verse, tells of 
a sensitive, delicate young lady who loved to draw her fin- 
ger-nails in long, sweet scratches down the plastered walls, 
skinjing them pathetically. You and I prefer to scratch 
bricks or blackboards — they are more skinjid. Do new 
towels skinje you? Do you skinje at wet velvet? Can you 
bite a skinjid file? Your collar — has it a skinjid edge? 

" Put more starch in them lace curtains before you iron 
'em," says Mrs. O'Hatchet to the hired girl. " Mr. Mas- 
ters always likes to feel of *em before he goes to bed." (See 
Kripsle.) 

As skinjid as a plaster wall. 

As skinjid as a file. 
So is the world when I am broke; 

I cannot laugh or smile. 

But when my purse is full and fat 

I know no teasing twinge; 
I meet so much to giggle at 

Nothing can make me skinje! 



S2 



♦.•;y 



-'- Ml 



A NEW DICTIONARY SKY 



Sky'scrim-bley v, l. To go off at a tangent; 
to fly into space. 2. To make a wild flight 
from an untenable intellectual position. 

The acrobat on the flying trapeze skyscrimbles in a thrill- 
ing arc from perch to perch. So skyscrimbles the philoso- 
pher into words of seven syllables, when you ask him about 
the Deity. (See Gubble and Edicle,) 

A woman caught in an inconsistency skyscrimbles through 
an hour of fantastic argument. 

When Wilson won, red Republicans skyscrimbled up into 
the Democratic fold. (See Eegot.) 

Tell a Socialist that " You can't change human nature," 
— he skyscrimbles in Marxian metaphysics. 

So, when you complain of your laimdry, or your telephone 
service, or the railroad company's neglect, men skyscrimble, 
passing the blame from one to another. 

Ask one actress about another's age. ..." Why, she was 
in the Murray Hill Stock Company when Dustin Farnum 
used to " . . . etc., etc., etc. ... A skyscrimble. 

I asked a Suffragette one day. 

Whose wits were neat and nimble. 

Why she had rouged her cheeks that way — 
She did a quick skyscrimble. 

I told a man Hwas funny that 

His overcoat was new 
While wifey wore her last year's hat — 

And he skyscrimbled, too! 



83 



SLU BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Slub, n. 1. A mild illness^ that does not really 
incapacitate. 2. A " headache." 8. An in- 
disposition^ manufactured for an especial oc- 
casion. 

Slnb^by, a. Feeling the necessity of a good ex- 
cuse. 

A slub is a cold, a headache, a boil or any affection in the 
disreputable underworld of disease. There's nothing of the 
aristocracy of pain in the slub. It is, so to speak^ a mere 
working illness. 

Men's slubs, however, are more intense than women's. A 
man when he has a slub, says, " Oh pshaw ! it's nothing/' 
But he expects, all the same, to be assiduously attended. 
Every woman in the household must minister to his misery. 
(See Varm,) 

Women have slubs innumerable, and for the most part say 
nothing about them, unless they want an excuse for staying 
away from a party. When the society woman has a slub^ 
she sends for a good looking doctor. (See Alibosh.) 

Children, however, are oftener slubby — when they don't 
want to go to school or to church the slub works overtime. 
(See Uglet and Moosoo.) 

Shop-girls are not allowed to have slubs. 






I have a slub I " the maiden said, 

I cannot go with you. 
You'll have to go without me, Fred! ** 
And Fred felt sluhby, too. 

But when, at ten o'clock, or so. 
He found his girl disdainful 

Maxixing with his hated foe 

Fred's slub grew really painful! 



84 



A NEW DICTIONARY SNO 



Snoshy n. 1. Vain talk; 1000 words to the 
square idea. 2. A talker from whom no re- 
sults are expected; one who cannot be taken 
seriously. 3. A project or enterprise that is 
born dead. 

Wall Street is where the snosh abounds. Advertise, cir- 
cularize, collect and disappear — that's how they work the 
gold-mine snosh. (See Alibosh,) 

Queer, isn't it — a man who's always " full of schemes " 
is always a snosh, while a crank with one idea may succeed. 
Why.^ A snosh is always imitating something. He is the 
theatrical manager who follows up a successful play with a 
third-rate duplicate. 

But, talking about plays, did you ever talk to a society 
woman who was writing one? It's a snosh. In the first 
place, she won't finish it imtil the year 1977 and then it will 
take her a double-lifetime to find a big enough fool to pro- 
duce it. Broadway is lined with snoshes — but the word 
isn't necessarily theatrical. The smart restaurant that in- 
sists on evening dress is a snosh — and so is an actress who 
says she loves you. 

In Reno dwells the married snosh. Any wedding per- 
formed upon a bride and groom under the age of 25 is a 
snosh. So is a marriage with a Count. (See Pawdle.) 

Miss Pittsburgh swore that she would wed 

A title, and by Gosh, 
Miss Pittsburgh did; her father paid 

A million for a snosh. 

And now, although he swears at her. 

It is a Count that swears. 
And over eyes he's black-and-blued 

A coronet she wears I 



85 



itaiii 



SPI BI RGESS UNABRIDGED 



Spijfg, It. 1. Any decoration of overt vanity. 

^. Kxtrinsic channs. 3. Things worn obvi- 

ouhIv to attract notice. 
Spig^get-7i a. Prinked, elaborately adorned. 

Paint, iMiwder, dyed hair, court plaster patches, artificial 
dimples, highly manicured and rouged nails, blacking under 
the eyes, whiting under the chin, rouged ears, lead-penciled 
eyebrows, loaded eye-lashes are spigg. (See JVowze.^ 

Jewelry is M))igg: s)>igg is the treasure-chest of would-be 
bt^auty, tlie anmiunition of the bogus Cupid. 

In some latitudes, ladies are spigged with tattoo marks 
and nose-rings; in others, with marceled hair and low-necked 
gowns. (See I'arm,) 

Men s))igg themselves with fancy socks and curled mous- 
tnehes. In the eart-horso parade. Old Dobbin spiggs his 
braided tail with riblmns. 

I'or s])igg is nothing but a vanity that is not ashamed to 
advertise itself; but advertising is one of the most difficult of 
arts, wherefore now its ap])cal is as grotesque as the three 
fat seasiek ))hnues in the dowager's hair, and now it is as 
delicate as the violets in a debutante's bosom. 

So spiggety was cousin Grace, 

When I was there last night, 
I could not even see her face; 

She was a shocking sight! 

** Why all this flour and whitewash, dear? 

Why so much black-and-redf " 
" Because I'd feel so nude, this year. 

Without my spigg," she said. 



86 



A NEW DICTIONARY SPI 



Spil'liXy n. 1. Undeserved good luck; acci- 
dental success. 2. A lucky stroke, beyond 
one's normal ability. 

Spil^lix-y, a. Exceptional, lucky, uncharac- 
teristic. Untrue to " form." 

At pool, tennis or golf, the spillix aids the, amateur with 
proverbial luck. A spillix is winning a prize in the lottery; 
is the business deal, that unexpectedly goes through; is meet- 
ing an influential friend when you are in your best clothes. 
Getting a position by inadvertently happening to be right on 
the spot. 

A bargain is a spillix; an exciting conversation overheard 
on the telephone. (See Frowk,) 

Thousands of people, intending to cross on the Titanic, 
took the next boat following — and boasted of the spillix. 

It's a spillix, to find money in the street; also to discover 
that the chaperon is more charming than the girl herself. 
Through a spillix, you blunder into success. (See Zobzib,) 

Every young May that weds a rich old December, prays 
for a spillix, but he seldom dies to leave her a fascinating 
widow in becoming robes of black. 

A spillix is a lucid interval, or the bright remark of a fool. 

His first shot to the bull's eye flew — 

He would not shoot — for then 
It was a spillix, and he knew 

He would not score again. 

So, when he wed the girl he sought. 
We thought 'twas rather funny — 

It was a spillix; for she thought, 
Alas, that he had money! 



87 



SPL BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Splooch, n. 1. A failure, a ruin. 2. One who 
doesn't know his business; a bad amateur. 
S, Exorbitantly overpaid service. 

One thinks at first naturally of a restaurant; there are 
more sploocti waiters than anything else in the world. Nezt^ 
come servant girls, the splooch that burns the soup and leaves 
the salt out of the bread. A cake with an ingrowing stomach 
is a splooch. A suit of clothes that looks anxious about the 
shouldcrblades — wet hay — bug-eaten potato plants and 
pears with worms inside — splooches all. 

Most musical comedies are splooches, most stories in the 
magazines, most janitors. (See Jurp,) 

What then, of the dentist who pulls out the sound tooth by 
mistake, or the surgeon who takes out your appendix but 
leaves his eye-glasses inside? He's a medico-splooch. 

Then there's the vaudeville juggler who splooches the bcdls 
and the singer who's off the key. (See Snosh.) 

Every day on Wall Street ten thousand lambs make splooch 
investments, hoping to become captains of finance. 

I'll never dine at Mack's again; 

The splooch that slings the eats 
He makes me wait an hour, and then 

He serves me com, for beets! 

Last night I ordered Irish stew. 

And there my wife's old brooch 
That she had lost a year or two 

Was hidden in the splooch I 



88 




SPLOOCH 



A NEW DICTIONARY SPU 



Spuzz, n. 1. Mental energy^ an aggressive in- 
tellect. 2. Stamina^ force, spice. 

Spuz^zardy n. An active, forceful thinker. 
2. A cocktail with a " kick " in it. 

Spuz^zy, a, 1. Highly seasoned. Charged 
with brain-electricity. 

Theodore Roosevelt and Kaiser Wilhelm have spuzz. 
Demiourgos, maker of men, gave them an extra dash of the 
tabasco. (See Persotude.) 

Spuzz in acting, in writing, or in business is what brings 
in the money. 

Spuzz welcomes competition; it is always ready for the 
fray. 

You can't down the spuzzard; he is elastic, and bounces 
up after every failure. 

The spuzzard is the girl who could "just die dancing. 
She answers her letters the day they are received. 

The farmer with no spuzz to him can never lift the mort- 
gage; but the spuzzy intensive Italian down the road is edu- 
cating his sons to be doctors and lawyers. 

Spuzz is that getaheadative zip, tang, and racehorse en- 
thusiasm that has for its motto, " Do it now." 

A good .Welch rarebit has spuzz ; so has a dry Martini — 
but it's the wrong kind. (See Looblum,) 



» 



How I admire a Suffragette! 

No matter what she does. 
She has red corpuscles, you bet! 

She has a lot of spuzz! 

And yet — / would not marry her; 

But some shy, timid elf. 
Some clinging flower shall be my bride; 

I'll find the spuzz, myself! 



01 



SQU BURGKSS I'NABRIDGED 



Squinch, n. A nervous, anxious state of mind; 

a palpitating desire to succeed beyond one's 

deserts. 
Squinch, v. To watch and wait, hoping things 

will turn one's own way; to anticipate. 

No squinch like the sailor's, sniffing the weather from the 
catheads, or wherever he sniffs it from — unless it is the 
farmer, squinching for sun or rain that will bring a harvest 
of crops enough to pay the interest on the mortgage. 

You squinch the stock market for a rise or fall; bat no 
matter how you squinch U. S. Steel Common, there's always 
someone squinching it the other way. 

Then there's the lottery squinch — or there used to be, 
wondering if the winning number will end in 6. 

The candidate is on the squinch before election with his 
ear to the ground. President Wilson squinches Mexico as 
anxiously as a village girl squinches her beau for a proposal. 
(See Quink,) 

See tlie House Manager of a theatre in the box office 
squinching the crowd coming in for the evening performance ! 
So I squinch this word, hoping that it will become popular. 

Behind his geography^ little Willie squinches his teacher, 
as he reads, " The White Slaver's Revenge," or, " Saved by 
Eugenics." (See Kipe,) 

I knew that I was squinched, because 

When e'er I spoke of rings. 
Or wedding hells, or marriage laws. 

She looked unuttered things. 

But still I flirted, standing pat. 

And did not yield an inch; 
I told her I was married — that 

Was how I fooled her squinch! 



02 




TASHIVATE 



A NEW DICTIONARY TAS 



Tash-i-va^tion, n. The art of replying by 
means of reciprocal tones. 

Tash'i-vate, v. To reply without attention; to 
speak aimlessly^ or without interest, as to a 
child. 

Tash^i-vat-edy p.p. Absorbed in more inter- 
esting things; inattentive; answered perfunc- 
torily. 

Have you acquired the art of tashivation? Can you read 
the newspaper right along through your wife's gossip, or 
your little daughter's prattle? This is the secret of true 
domesticity; it is the science of being a husband. 

The actress has an ear trained to distinguish emotions, and 
a tongue trained to answer them without the conscious use 
of her brain. A friend tells her a long, dull story, and her 
mind wanders through the Elysian Fields of her own ex- 
periences, unheeding. Suddenly the tale ends — " And 
there she was, right in the room with him ! " What was it 
all about ? Never mind, the answer is easy : " Well, what 
do you think of that?" (See Drillig,) 

Tashivation is answering without listening, as one speaks 
to a beggar — as one talks at a crowded reception, as one 
answers the man who asks for a loan. 

When a man explains machinery to a woman, she tashi- 
vates, her mind on pleasanter things; and so, when a woman 
explains fashions to a man. (See Varm.) 



Why do I tashivate, and say 

" Oh, year and " Really^ "—" Yes? 
Because although she talks, I try 

To read my hook, I guess, 

I nod and smile, and speak, sedate; 

My wife keeps on her chatter. 
So long as I can tashivate 

Her questions do not matter. 

95 



THU BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Thusky n. 1. Something that has quickly 
passed away. 2. A precocious memory; an 
unnatural feeling of remoteness. 

Thusk^y, a. So near, and yet so far. 

Thusky are the sounds in the street, as you lie ill in bed 
in summer. Thusky are your old love letters, tied in blue 
ribbons, the last one postmarked fully a week ago. (See 
lobink,) 

Yesterday's newspaper is thusky, and last year's popular 
song. Thusky are the novels that six months since were 
talked about and read. Thusky are last winter's styles. 
(See Gowyop.) 

While you are abroad, the American newspapers are 
thusky; when you are returning, all Europe is a thusk. 

Thusky is the house you once lived in; your old sweet- 
heart of college days. 

Which is the thuskiest, — a dead actor, an ex-president, or 
a popular hero, now laid on the shelf? 

I met a thusk the other day; 

Three times I had to look 
Before I recognized him — say, 

'Twas only Doctor Cook! 

How thusky, now, his polar jest! 

As thusky as the way 
A joke would sound, if 'twere expressed 

In slang of yesterday! 



96 



A NEW DICTIONARY TW 

Tin^tid-dle, n, l. An imaginary conversation. 
2. A witty retort, thought of too late, a men- 
tal postscript. 

Tin-tid-di-la^tion, w. Optimistic day-dream- 
ing. 

Oh, the bright reply you thought of, after you had gone — 
the crushing answer that you might have given! Who does 
not know the tardy tintiddle? The questions you forgot to 
ask, the terms you forgot to make, the repairs you did not 
ask. Was there any closet in that corner room? ^ow, did 
that include water, or not? Tintiddling comes with tanta- 
lizing thought. (See lohinkJ) 

When you rehearsed your speech the night before, the 
chorus of applause came tintiddling to your ears. And when 
tintiddling you proposed to the girl, she fell gratefully into 
your arms. 

When in tintiddilation, you applied for that position, how 
noble was your pose — how convincing were your words ! 
But they were only tintiddles, and tintiddles never come out 
as you expect. (See Bimp,) 

Chastely tintiddling are the wedding anticipations of the 
bride! (See Jujasm.) 

Tintiddling vainly, I proposed 

To Kate — and was accepted. 
Next day {as you might have supposed), 

I was with scorn rejected. 

How oft, tintiddling all alone, 

I'm witty, wise, defiant — 
But in real life, no one has known 

That I'm a mental giant! 



97 



UDN BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Ud'ney, n. l. A beloved bore; one who loves 
you but does not understand you; a fond, but 
stupid relative. 2. An old friend whom you 
have outgrown. 

Your mother, your doting aunt, your dull, but affectionate 
husband, your favorite brother's wife; or the man your sister 
is engaged to — udneys all. You hate to hurt their feelings ; 
would they not do anything in the world for you? You go 
to them in your troubles and you forget them in your pleas- 
ures. You hate to write to them, but manage to scrawl hasty 
and vapid notes. (See Uglet.) 

The udney gives you gifts of clothing you can't possibly 
wear, and exj)ects you to rave over them. 

Or, the udney is someone who likes you more than you 
like him. He is like an affectionate dog, always under foot 
or licking your hand. 

In the pathetic slavery that women endure, not the slavery 
of women to men — but that of women to women — the ud- 
ney has the master hand. The blindly doting parent, whose 
daughter " has no secrets from her," rules with a rod of 
sugar. Though her daughter may be old enough to have to 
** touch up " her hair — yet so long as she has a " Miss " 
before her name will it be her doom to be the willing slave 
and pet of an unconscious udney. (See Farm.) 



Jane's mother nothing did forbid; 

She was an udney, though — 
Because, whatever Janey did 

Her mother had to know. 

" Of course he'll marry you," one day. 

She said to guilty Jane, 
** Or else why should he kiss you, pray? '* 

How could the girl explain! 



98 



A NEW DICTIONARY UGL 



Ug^lety n. 1. An unpleasant duty. 2. Some- 
thing one puts off too long. 

Ug'gle, V. 1. To procrastinate respecting the 
inevitable. 2. To do something one dislikes. 

Having to have your teeth filled is an uglet; you wait and 
wait, trying to find the time — and the courage. 

Getting up early in the morning is an uglet; inquiring 
regularly about convalescents; and getting a spring hat, or 
a new fall suit — delaying until you are the last one in town. 
(See Vorge,) 

It's an uglet to clean your top bureau drawer; and calling 
on the Wilsons — darning your stockings — or buying a wed- 
ding present, or having your picture taken. (See Digmia;,) 

"Oh, I've simply got to do that!" But — hcvr long you 
delay in inviting the Ransoms to dinner! It's an uglet. 

Paying the doctor's bill is the universal uglet. (See 
Igmoil.) But answering letters from people you haven't 
seen for a long time is worse. 

It was an uglet that I feared; 

It grew, and grew, and grew. 
And long I had to dree my weird — 

That deed I dared not do; 

And yet it must he done! In fear, 

Unto my wife, I said: 
'' Your hat is NOT becoming, dear — 

You never should wear red I " 



99 



UNK BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Unk, n. 1. An unwelcome present, an inap- 
propriate^ undesirable or distasteful gift. 
2. A duplicate wedding present. S, A sou- 
venir^ or picture postcard. 

These are the classic unks that women give to men — on- 
wearable neckties, hand-embroidered suspenders, smokeless 
cigars — ** La Flor de Chinatown ! " They give them sleeve- 
button unks, unks made of shiny black leather. " It's so 
hard to find gifts for a man ! " (See Gefoojet.) 

Men give in return, feminine unks — flowers that don't 
match a girl's gown; perfumery in fancy bottles; a dozen 
pairs of gloves of an off color; souvenir jewelry boxes with 
pictures of the State Capitol on top; impossible paper cut- 
ters; ivory handled nail flies elaborately carved, that will not 
flle. (See Quisty and Diabob.) 

Women of uncertain age receive unks in the form of bed- 
shoes, with an old-maid implication; linen collars, with stiff 
tabby-cat bows in front, disgustingly neat — " so nice for 
business ! " There they are, in back of the bureau drawer, 
yellowing with age. 

When you were married, you received thirty-four wedding 
unks; nine pie knives and forty-flve pickle forks. 

A gold pencil that won't write is an unk; so is that padded 
seal volume of Tennyson on the shelf beneath the center 
table. (See Gorgule,) 

What is an unk? That thing that lies 

Upon your bureau, there! 
You have outlived your first surprise; 

You do not even care. 

Its faint and foolish life is done. 

It is a mere negation; — 
An unused souvenir of one 

Without imagination! 

100 



A NEW DICTIONARY VAR 



Vamiy n, 1. The quintessence of sex. 2. 
One who is characteristically womanish or 
man-like. 

Var^mic, a. Monosexually psychologic. 2. Pro- 
voking intersexual antipathy. 

A man in love thinks himself attracted to a woman because 
she is feminine^ and different from him; in reality^ it is be- 
cause he thinks she is different from other women. He does 
not discover her varm. Other girls are vain, tricky, deceit- 
ful and illogical — she is a creature unique. 

But, when he is married, she becomes unexpectedly varmic. 
He watches her egoistic poses before the mirror, and the 
first time their " togetherness " is broken by her confidential 
delights with another woman, he sees her varm. 

To a man, there is something he hates in woman, if not in 
women. It's the subtle antipathy of sex — the things women 
tell each other — the things they do — it's the varm. 

But so women secretly hate men — hate their childishness, 
their superiority, their insanity and their blindness. 

" Just like a woman ! " So do men voice their varm. 

Your wife's bureau drawers are varmic. So is a tea-room, 
or a woman's club, or a co-educational college, or the ladies' 
dressing room of a fashionable restaurant. (See Spigg,) 

Smoking tobacco is no longer varmic. (See Ovotch.) 

How would you like to see your husband at a prize fight .'^ 
There varm is violent. 

I hate a girl — hut my Hortense 

Is not the average woman; 
She has more brains, she has more sense — 

In fact, she's almost human. 

Or, so I thought, until, one day. 

She lost that previous charm, 
I overheard her talk with May — 

Hortense was hut a varm! 

101 



/ 



VIL BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Vilp, n, 1. A bad loser^ an unsportsmanlike 
player. 2. A gloating victor, or one who is 
intoxicated by success. 

Vil^pouSy a. Unscrupulous, cheating in games. 

The vilp is always explaining why he lost the game and 
usually blaming the fault upon someone else — he " usually 
plays a much better game ** than the one you see. This time> 
it is only because he has the rheumatism, or didn't get any 
sleep last night. (See Slub,) 

The vilp plays to win — plays for the stakes or the prize. 
Women vilps have even been known to cheat at cards to gain 
a half-pound box of candy tied with yellow ribbon. 

The vilp takes advantage* of all his opponent's slips, calls 
all fouls, but does not notice his own. He crows over his 
victim when he wins, and sulks when he loses. He bullies 
his opponent, and whines when he comes out last. (See 
IgmoiL) 

There is no sex to the vilp; the women at the bridge and 
the men at the poker table are alike vilpous. (See Gorm,) 

There is: no sport like Love, and he 

Or she who plays the game 
Must play to win; and so, maybe. 

The vilp is not to blame, 

*' All's fair in love and war," they say. 

So women cheat and fight, 
And men compete the vilpous way. 

But does that make it right? ^ 



102 



A NEW DICTIONARY VOI 



Voip, n. Food that gives no gastronomic pleas- 
ure; any provender that is fillings but taste- 
less. 

Voip, V. To eat hurriedly, without tasting. 

Every morning, millions of Americans go forth sustained 
for work, but cheated out of the pleasures of a real repast — 
they have merely fed on voip. 

Pop corn was the original voip, discovered by the Pilgrim 
Fathers. Next came crackers, ham-sandwiches-without-but- 
ter and the sawdusty provender of railroad lunch counters. 
(See Mooble,) 

Ginger snaps are voip; so are buns and doughnuts. Lastly 
came the reign of glorified voip in decorated pasteboard pack- 
ages — breakfast foods of all degrees from birdseed up to 
dried peas. ^ 

New York has discovered the art of transforming any food 
into voip, by the simple expedient of making you eat it stand- 
ing. (See Uglet.) 

At breakfast, when on voip I feed. 

Mechanically chewing. 
My listless palate does not heed. 

Or know what it is doing, 

I oft forget, when I am through. 

And wonder if I've fed! 
I have to feel my stomach to 

Be sure I've breakfasted! 



lOS 



WHl. 



VOR BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Vorge, n, 1. Voluntary suffering; unnecessary 
agony. 2. The lure of the uncertain. 

Vor^gidy a^ Morbidly fascinating; interested 
in horrors. 

Peary was a vorgid man; twenty years of freezing half to 
death did not conquer his appetite. When he had found the 
North Pole, he didn't know what to do with it. To him, life 
was just one vorge after another, pulling sledges, eating shoes 
and candlcf^, sleeping in a bearskin bag. (See Yob,) 

Whence comes the vogue of the vorge .'^ As a child, you 
could not help putting your tongue to frozen iron, although 
you knew the skin would stick to it; the deed was vorgid. 
You put beans up your nose, and wheat up your stocking. 
You tattooed your arms; and that attractive sore compelled 
your touch. Vorgid was castor oil, and bitter medicines. All 
these things were horrid, but you did them and boasted of 
the vorge. It is vorgid to pull out your own tooth. 

But how about him who escorts his homely cousin to a (^nce, 
and gets her partners? Is this less vorgid? 

Oh, very vorgid is he who makes a speech, but vorgider far 
the groom at a fashionable wedding. 

Are you vorgid? Do you enjoy doing palestric exercises 
in the Gym, or a cold bath on winter mornings? (See 
Gloogo,) Do you look forward, vorgidly, to the happy Xmas- 
tide? 

Vorgid is women's talk about their " operations." 

Oh, vorgid *tis to pant and strain 

And tug, the athlete thinks; 
And it is vorgict, in the rain. 

To golf o'er soggy links. 

But it is vorgider, hy far. 

Than such palestric feat. 
To give thai lady in the car 

Your Oh-so-longed-for seat! 

104f 



A NEW DICTIONARY VOB 



Vo'ri-an-der, w. l. A woman who chases after 
men^ instead of being chased. 2. A woman 
who telephones to men^ or invites herself to 
dinners at his expense. 

Vo'ri-an-der, v. l. To act as above described; 
to inflict oneself upon an unwilling enter- 
tainer. Women's overt competition for men. 

To most men the voriander is anathema. He would prefer 
to ask the dullest girl in the world to dinner than to entertain 
the prettiest, who has invited herself. 

Sly and patent are the tricks of the voriander. She may 
telephone you : " Have you got your car out of storage yet ? " 
Or she may say, point-blank : " Say, isn't there a dinner 
coming to me along about now? " (See Eegot,) 

The voriander is sometimes pretty, but never attractive. 
Her attempts are usually dodged, but she still persists. 
" Confound it, I just will get that man! " she says, and pro- 
ceeds to voriander. 

Never introduce a friend to a voriander. There are other 
kinder ways of getting rid of her. A cat can be kissed to 
death, or smothered in fresh butter; not the voriander. You 
have simply to leave town. 

The voriander is " crazy " over you, and your purse. She 
writes you perfumed notes, she telephones you during business 
hours. (See Drillig.) 

Many vorianders are over thirty years of age. 



Beware the voriander, boy. 

With mouth that hisses and torments. 
She only loves you to enjoy 

Expensive foods at your expense. 

Beware the voriander, let 

Her scented notes unanswered he; 
She's after just what she can get; 

And when you're broke, she'll let you he! 

105 



WHI BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Whin'kle, n. l. Graciousness, with ulterior in- 
U*iit; a hypocritical politeness. 2. A glow of 

van it V. 

^^^^ • 

Whin^kle, v. To appear over-cordial or sns* 
piciously amiahle; to act snobbishly. 

Some beam with a merely personal vanity; they whinkle 
from sheer self-satisfaction. But when Jones saw me^ he 
wliinkh'd till I thoiiglit his front teeth would spill out of his 
face. Why? I was talking to a millionaire. (See Eegot.) 

So the match-making Mamma whinkles at that desirable 
young man, wlio is calling upon Bessie. 

So the l)ook-agent whinkles as he shows you his samples; 
and the insurance agent, just before you kick him out. 

Whinkles the floor-walker, like the girls at a seashore resort, 
beekoning the only nice young man; but the floor-walker 
whinkles not when you return a "thirty-six" waist for a 
"thirty-eight." (See Jurp.) 

The mother whinkles when you praise the baby, and the 
j)roud undertaker when he first displays the corpse. 

Mark the whinkling landlady, showing the third floor front 
to the i)rosi)ective lodger. " You'll find it a very comfortable 
home here; everyone has always been happy here — very! 
Nice and sunny . . . i)lenty of towels . . . closet . . . nice, 
soft bed — no bugs in my house. Lovely bureau, plenty of 
room for all your tilings. I am sure you couldn't do better." 

How whinkles the ]jallid clerk at his employer's jokes. 

JVhen first my motor-car I bought. 

The salesman wagged his tail — 
lie whinkled till I almost thought 

He'd kiss me, for the sale. 

But when the poppet-valves were strained. 

And had to he repaired — 
No whinkling then, when I complained; — 

The salesman merely glared! 

106 



d .; 



A NEW DICTIONARY WIJ 



Wij'ji-cle, n. A perverse or contradictory ar- 
ticle of furniture; any household contrivance 
that is always out of order. 

" You'll find no wijjicles in this house," said the agent as 
he unlocked the front door. " It's in perfect order." And 
yet, before I had left I had found: 

Eight window-screens that wouldn't go up or down; loose 
boards in the dining-room and three on the stairs that 
squeaked ; a leak in the roof, a smoky fireplace, three cupboard 
doors that wouldn't shut, four closet doors that would swing 
open, and a long, phlegmatic bath-tub that it took three- 
quarters of an hour to fill, through its reluctant faucet. (See 
Quisty,) 

But I must confess I brought in my own wijjicles, too. 
Reader, you know them well — 

The folding camp-chairs that can't be unfolded, the three- 
legged tables that tip over, the rocking-chairs that bite you 
on the shins in the dark and patent spring-rockers that 
squeak; the unoiled door, the mirrors with wavy glass, the 
bureau drawers that stick and the step-ladders that won't 
stay open; the baby-carriages that are always in the way; 
plush furniture that sticks, and painted chairs that come off 
on your back; screen doors that bang, and rugs on slippery 
floors, the table that balances unsteadily. 

But the worst of all, is the pencil with its lead broken far 
up inside the wood. (See Moosoa,) 

I bought a rubber fountain pen; 

" Non-leak able," the clerk 
Assured me confidently, when 

He showed me how 'twould work. 

But now that wijjicle and I 

Into the bath-tub go 
When I must write my letters. Why? 

Well, things are safer, sol 

107 



^>^, 



woo BITRGESS I^NABRIDGED 



Wog, n. An Attached foreigir body, an anoma- 
inent. 

Wog, V. To daub f antasticall j ; to decorate an 
unconscious victim. 

Woggedy p.p. To have any intrinsic de- 
fect or visible superfluity. 

Wog^gy, a. Unpleasantly adorned. 

Have you ever seen the gentleman with the Niagara-FaUs 
moustaclic .^ Pretty woggy, what? When beautiful Bessie 
drinks buttermilk and forgets her napkin^ what can you say? 
Such things must not be told. Think of Bessie — with a wog! 
You must turn away your head and blush — or else Bessie 
must. Wogs embarrass. (See Pooje.) 

But facial stalactites are not the only wogs^ alas! Milli- 
cent's hair is woggcd — prithee catch the hairpin before it 
falls. As you pick a thread that wogs your wife's grey 
gown, she discovers a blonde hair on your coat-collar^ the 
most embarrassing of all wogs. 

Pittsburgh wogs its women with spots of smut^ black as 
court-plaster patches. You really ought to get a new dress 
suit, for yours is seven years old and wildly wogged with 
grease-spots — where you spilled the pink-and-gpreen ice cream 
into your lap and where the Swedish waiter bathed your 
shoulders with cauliflower soup. There is a wog of ragged 
braid on the bottom of your torn skirt^ a running wog in 
your silk stocking. (See Splooch.) 

Don't get wogged! (See Zobsib,) 

I never care for onion soup — 

For onion soup, and hash. 
And scrambled eggs remind me of 

My uncle's red moustache; 

For that was what we had to eat 

When Uncle Silas, togged 
In Sunday raiment, came to dine. 

And got his whiskers wogged! 

108 




WOG 



A NEW DICTIONARY WOW 



Wowze, n, 1. A woman who is making a fool 
of herself and doesn't know it. 2. Any ridic- 
ulous and undignified object. 3. A spectacu- 
lar exhibition of unconscious humor. 

Wowze, V. To act with a misguided belief in 
one's charm; to cavort hopelessly. 

Have you ever seen a painfully conscientious amateur tan- 
goist counting her steps ? *' One-two-three — holdl " She's 
a wowze ! Have you ever been to church on Easter Sunday 
in the country? There are wowzes galore. 

An elderly maiden being kittenish — a perfect wowze ! An 
elderly aunt, talking baby-talk to her infant niece — the 
wowze pathetic. A female art-student — the wowze aesthetic. 

A wowze is a female poem-reciter in a hot parlor; a fat 
woman in swimming; an overgrown girl in short skirts; an 
angry landlady; a miss in curl-papers. A shirt waist of plaid 
silk is a wowze, and a cook, learning to skate. (See Frowk.) 

A literary lady, trying to look " artistic " — she's a wowze 
and her gown is wowzier. 

The wowze-social : — A woman who doesn't like it, try- 
ing to smoke. (See Ovotch,) 

Miss Henderson was meek and mild. 
But, through her black silk veil. 

She drank a glass or two of milk — 
(^She had been drinking ale,) 

Then, answering our wild applause. 

She rose with smiles and bows. 
She'd proved that she was clever, but 

She was a perfect wowse! 



Ill 



.i.L.. 



WOX BURGESS I'NABRIDGED 



WoZy n. A state of placid enjoyment; slaggish 

satisfaction. 
Wox'y, a. Contented ; ruminant ; at peace with 

the world. 

As the glutted anaconda^ after swallowing a sheep alive, 
rests for a benign month or two underenath the tum-tom tree, 
thinking of liofne and mother^ while the gross lain|> in his 
stomach gradually declines and lessens — so is the woz of 
tlie woman well and appropriately gowned^ especially if that 
dress of hers has been successfully made over beyond all recog- 
nition. 

Woxy is the broker^ as stocks go up. Woxy is the fisher- 
man, when the fish begin to bite. Woxy is the legatee, when 
the lawsuit is over and his inheritance is paid. 

After your long tramp in the rain^ after your bath and hot 
dinner, you sit by the open fire in a wox. 

Tlicre is no joy but calm, say the Buddhists; it's better to 
be woxy than excited with rapture. (See Jujatm.) 

The autlior is in a wox ; his story has been accepted. Woxy 
is tlic actor in a good hotel at last, after three weeks of one- 
night stands; when he pushes the bell^ something deli^^tful 
is sure to happen. There can be no wox^ alas^ without a 
])revious annoyance. (See Fud.) But is not all the mad- 
dening bustle and trouble of moving worth — when you are 
finally settled and at ease, with every carpet down and every 
picture hung — the homelike^ comfortable wox that follows? 

/ ploughed my way through wind and storm 

To call on Fanny White; 
And in her parlor I was warm 

And woxy with delight. 

'Twos not because I loved her though — 

For I was fairly foxy; 
rd sold her Life Insurance, so 

That's why I felt so woxy! 

112 



A NEW DICTIONARY WUM 



Wum'gush, n. 1. An insincere affectation 
of cordiality; hypocritical compliments. 2. 
Women's flattery of women; pretended friend- 
ship. 3. A feminine fib. 

Do women criticise each other to their faces? Do they 
find fault with their chocolates, their looks, their clothes, their 
jests? No, not until the front door is closed; till then, they 
slobber wumgush. (See Farm.) 

And yet, if one man offers another a cigarette, the tobacco 
may be called " rotten ! " without peril or anger. 

Men have small use for wumgush; their compliments are 
profane ridicule and simulated enmity. 

A man calls his best friend a " damned fool " ; a woman 
calls her worst enemy, " My dear! " (See Alibosh.) 

How women must fear each other! They smooth their 
rival's hair; lovingly, they readjust her jabot and pat her 
hands lingeringly. 

" How well you're looking, my dear ! ". . . and yards and 
yards of wumgush. 

" Oh, I've had such a wonderful time ! How charming of 
you to have asked me. Now, you must come to see us." — 
Wumgush. (See Gubble.) 

Wumgush is the frothy foam of society chatter. 

Wumgush is the sunshine through which fly the wasps of 
sarcasm. (See Flooijab.) 

The wumgush Clara spills on Lou, 

Whene'er they meet, and kiss. 
Would seem to prove a friendship true. 

But it amounts to this, — 



t< 



Your waist is soiled; and, oh, that hat! 
Trimmed it yourself, I know I 
You never ought to grin like that. 
It makes your crow's feet show! 



lis 



fS 



XEN BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Xen'O-gore, n. l. An interloper; one who is 
de trop, or keeps you from things or persons 
of greater interest. 2. A self-invited gaest^ 
M'lio stays too long. 

The xcnogore is a person who doesn't belongs but doesn't 
know it. It is the shopper who paws over goods^ and pre- 
vents eustomers from buying; an extra woman^ who drops in 
when you want to play whist; or the creature who appears at 
dinner-time, when you have just enough for the family and 
no more; who invites himself into your motor-car^ crowding 
you miserably. He annoys you when you are talking busi- 
ness, and spoils the sale. 

Cliildren in the room^ when you are calling, are xenogores. 
(See Kidloid,) 

Someone talking to you^ when you want to listen to that 
interesting conversation opposite, is a xenogore. 

A xenogore is likely to be anyone of your wife's relations 
or friends; but it's sure to be that girl you have to escort 
home, and don't want to. (See Uglet,) 

A girl wlio accompanies a couple in love is a xenogore. (See 
Forge,) 

I longed to tee her Paris gowtii. 

And h€ar about my aunts. 
And all those queer cathedral towns — 

She'd just returned from France, 

I*d scarcely welcomed her — before 

I'd told her she was thinner. 
There came a ring — a xenogore! 

Of course he stayed to dinner. 



114 



A NEW DICTIONARY YAB 



Yab, n, 1. A monomaniac or fanatic, inter- 
ested in one thing. 2. A favorite topic of 
discussion, or conversation. 

Yab'by, a. Talking continually on a single 
topic. 

Yabs, a. Foolishly interested or absorbed. 

People used to be yabs on religion, but you seldom see a 
gospel yab, now that Dowie has passed from sight. Still, 
there's a pretty pronounced Christian Science yab on in ideal- 
istic circles. Business yabs, yes; but your wife won't stand 
for it at the supper-table, unless your guest is a good, heavy 
buyer. (See Eegot.) 

The musician lives in a yab-world of his own. He doesn't 
understand ordinary English. 

Some men are yabs over women, some have a horrible base- 
ball yab that will last over way into February; but the worst 
of all is a yabby actor, telling you how good he is. (See 
Leolump.) 

Polonius, had he lived, would have said to Hamlet, " Still 
yabs about my daughter ! " 

The White Slave yab is almost over and the Sex yab is mute 
in the magazines ; the Bigyab is Tango with a capital Q. 

The egoist is yabs about himself; the Englishman is yabby 
over sport, the Hebrew over money. Me, my yab is " Bur- 
gess Unabridged." (See Gloogo.) 

Once a little girl in Phoenix 

Arizona wrote to me; 
She was yabs about eugenics. 

And was healthy as a flea. 

But although my Jane was poorly. 
And was half the time in bed, 

I was yabs about her, surely. 
So I married her, instead, 

115 



YAM BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Yam^noy, iu l. A bulky, unmanageable ob- 
ject; an unwieldy or slippery parcel. 2. 
Something you don't know how to carry. 

Yam'noy, v, l. To inflict with much luggage. 
2. To carry many parcels at once. 

Did you ever see a woman trying to move a Morris chair — 
or carry a rocker through a screen door? (See Wijjicle,) 
She is struggling with a yamnoy. She can carry a baby with 
ease and skill, but it*s a yamnoy to a bachelor. 

The yamnoy is a sheet of window glass carried on a windy 
day; a dripping umbrella that you don't know where to place; 
a bird-cage or a bowl of fish, that you don't dare trust in the 
moving van. (See Uglet,) 

To yamnoy is to move a ladder or place it upright, or to 
carry a lawn mower home from the city. 

A patient husband 'twas, who bore 

A yamnoy, huge and bulky; 
It weighed a dozen pounds or more — 

No wonder he was sulky. 

And as he ran to catch the car. 

More and still more disgusted. 
His yamnoy fell — and, with the jar. 

Two watermelons busted I 



116 



A NEW DICTIONARY YOD 



Yod, n. 1. A ban, or restriction; a rule for- 
bidding pleasant things. 2. A place where 
one must conform to the proprieties. 

Yod, V, To behave circumspectly, or with con- 
ventional deportment. 

Yod'der-y, a. Stiff, proper, formal; respect- 
able. 

Yes, you have to mind your p's and q*s in a Christian En- 
deavor yod, or in the house of your best girl. Why, in some 
places, there is even a yod on the tango! (See Ovotch.) 

Don't you love to get into a place where there's a yod on 
smoking ? A temperance yod is not so bad — except that you 
can never get good food where they sell soft drinks. 

Remember that restaurant they started a couple of years 
ago where evening dress was required.'* That business-suit 
yod killed it. 

Poor little slangy Lulu, with the henna hair! When she 
was introduced to Millionaire Willie's mother, she had so many 
yods on her that she didn't dare squeak! 

Remember that low-necked yod your aunt used to have? 
Why, nowadays, she wears double-decollete in a trolley-car. 
No, those sanctimonious old yoddery days of yore are well 
gone by. Your wife smokes cigarettes now — your daugh- 
ter's skirts are slit up to the knee. However, there's still a 
yod on woman suffrage, and we may hold 'em down. (See 
Farm,) 

There was a yod on swearing at 

The home of Mr. Badd, 
So this was how he had to spat. 

When he was good and mad: — 

" Cognominate that blastoderm! 

You jacitating void. 
You go to Heligoland and squirm. 

You lepidopteroid! '* 

117 



YOW BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Yowf, n. 1. One whose importance exceeds 
his merit. A rich, or influential fool. 2. 
Stupidness^ combined with authority. 

You find the yowf sitting at the Captain's table on ship- 
board; and at the speakers* dais at banquets. He is top- 
heavy with importance, and soggy with self-esteem. 

Among the yowfs present were: The Mayor of the Small 
Town; a state senator; the Dock Commissioner; a bank presi- 
dent, two consuls, the Commandant of the Navy Yard, a 
police judge, and the Treasurer of the Wild Cat Club. (See 
Edicle,) 

The yowf is long on dignity, and short on charm; but he 
has to be waited on first. The female yowf has a 46 bust 
measure, and is important mainly on account of her clothes. 

It is always a yowf who gives the reception to visiting 
celebrities. He travels all over the world, and somehow, 
is able to mingle constantly with people with real brains. 
(See Machizzle.) 

The yowf was traveling on a pass — 

And he was grand and fat, 
A Fourth Vice Presidential ass. 

Or something big like that, 

I could not bear him; so, one noon, 

I pricked him with a pin. 
He shrivelled, a collapsed balloon — 

Naught but an empty skin! 



118 



A NEW DICTIONARY ZEE 



Zeech, n. l . A person of too strong individual- 
ity. One whose personality dominates. 2. 
A monologuist or violent talker. 

Zeech^OUS, a. Lively, but tiresome; exhaust- 
ingly original. 

The zeech is usually a good talker and a bad conversa- 
tionalist; he colors the party, you have to take his tone. He 
may bring in the sunshine but he destroys those subtler half- 
lights which give atmosphere. 

Curiously, the zeech is a great mixer and yet he will not 
mix; things must go his way. He is dynamic but has noth- 
ing in reserve. (See Spuzz.) 

There are no surprises in the zeech — you know what he 
is going to do and say. You will laugh, but in the end be 
bored. He makes the party " go/* but prevents its being an 
occasion. 

The zeech is conspicuous, brilliant — but exhausting. 

You invite the zeech to dinner, and the first time you are 
enthusiastic about him. By the third, however, your wife 
ventures to say, " Oh, let's not have him this time ! " (See 
Cowcat,) 

The zeech told stories without end. 

The life of all the party. 
He made no joke that could offend. 

He made us laugh so hearty! 

But when at last the door was shut. 
She said, and hid a yawn. 
Oh, he was so amusing, hut 
I'm very glad he's gone I " 



f* 



119 



ZOB BURGESS UNABRIDGED 



Zob^ziby' n. An amiable fool, a blunderer. One 

who is kind, but brainless. 
Zob^zib, V. To act with misguided zeal. 

The zobzib " means well ** — but deliver us from our 
friends! He comes too early iand he stays too late. He is 
always in the way. He calls just before dinner, but he will 
not sit down and dine with you. He is always " just going." 
He is fond of picking out a tune on the piano with one finger. 

When a zobzib enters, you just know he is going to break 
or tip over something, or spill claret on the table cloth. 
He will surely slip on the rug. He is a bull in a china shop, 
he is as hilarious as a wet Newfoundland dog. (See Splooch,) 

The female zobzib gives you advice, " for your own good." 
She asks you to buy tickets for church fairs and charity con- 
certs. 

A zobzib cannot help missing the train, he cannot help for- 
getting the theatre tickets. That's why he's a zobzib. (See 
Rawp.) 

I've often thought I'd like to be a drunkard, so some nice, 
sweet zobzib would marry me, to reform me. 

A zobzib, with a rag and broom 

And dust'pan, came today; 
She came to tidy up my room. 

While I was far away. 

She left, and everything I need 
Was zobzibbed out of sight — 

I can find nothing, but, indeed, ' 
That Zobzib ** meant all right! '* 



120 



This book should be returned to 
the Library on or before the last datG 
stamped below. 

A fine of five cents a day Is incurred 
by retaining it beyond the spaoifled 









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